minorcan, marvelous good fortune, iji and snack champion at port-a-john in asheville, august 20, 2014

only days after camp, still on a camp-high, i went to this awesome house show and added to it a just-saw-one-of-my-favorite-bands-high!!

every band was amazing!! i took a few pix but mostly enjoyed the sounds! my phone died right after the picture with zach so i didn’t get a picture of snack champion.

i got to the house at 8, no one was there. not having a smart phone, i sent a text to scotty so he could check the event page for updates…i started to think maybe it was cancelled. but knowing how very few shows start on time, i stayed calm. i had driven an hour to asheville from johnson city and had been drinking a lot of tea so i would have energy for the long evening ahead. i had to pee! so i left and went to taco bell, used the bathroom and bought a tostada. when i got back, people were setting up. 

this is when i realized something. after spending a lot of time at events that i’ve organized, i often forget how socially awkward i am in unfamiliar situations and around people in general. standing around waiting for the show was a reminder of this. there were people starting to gather while the bands set up. i got real fidgety and walked around and played with the tall grass in the field (i stopped myself from weaving a basket though). some people talked to me, i was so weird. i had so much caffeine and awkward running through my veins and the desire to flee was strong. except i had been looking forward to seeing iji for months!! i really didn’t want to leave, i knew it was just a response to a new environment. and people.

pretty soon the show started and minorcan played a lively and spectacular set, funny and charming and very smiley. i hope to see them again sometime.

marvelous good fortune was up next and they came in with their maroon drapes and an energy and good vibe that was instantly palpable. they played a fantastic set that left me in awe. the take-away from it for me was this spoken line “everything is beautiful and you are not special” and while that may sound positive and negative at the same time. i found it 100% positive and freeing and perfect.

mgf then transformed themselves into iji and started off their set with “to figure out the party” which is such a fitting song for how i feel when seeing my favorite bands (once i get past the uncomfortable). that feeling of being so in the moment but then also not. and wanting to talk to people but not. and being awkward. but happy. i was pretty delirious and just so freaked out to be there and dancing and enjoying every minute…i can only remember a handful of what they played, hammock moments, get along, magic lanes, hard 2 wait…i wanted more but it was time for the final band.

i did work up the nerve to talk to zach after their set a little and get a picture with him. i just wish i could have an actual conversation with a musician i love this much and not be so weird and nervous. anyway…

snack champion was amazing!! their set was short but completely satisfying and i really hope to catch them again too. i was disappointed they didn’t have any music for sale on the merch table, but i figured i would find something online when i got home. i didn’t. still disappointed. 

the evening ended with talking to john, the show host, and waiting for cars behind me to leave, and finally saying goodbye to zach and getting a final hug which was great.

i drove home listening to the mgf tape i had gotten and smiling a lot and replaying the night in my mind. i probably talked out loud to myself a few times too. because i was alone and i was all pumped and i was continuing to drink tea. i got home around 2 am after picking up samuel from a friend’s house on the way. i was on such a music high!! we all talked for awhile then i finally made myself go to bed. i had thought about going to next show of the tour in boone the next night but by morning i knew i was not up for more travel and new places and being awkward.

i hope iji comes back to the east coast again for more great music and dancing, i will totally be there!!!

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trust

recently sadie and i were talking about internet and personal safety. it was a good talk, but i was left feeling like i had said something off. not a feeling from her, but from myself. i later figured it out, i had said “i trust you” and i had this nagging feeling that there was more that needed said, and so i wrote her this letter. she gave me permission to share it as a blog post.

i’ve been thinking a lot about what it means when someone says “i trust you” and what it feels like when someone says that to you.
on one hand, it can make you feel like the person saying it thinks you don’t do anything they would consider “wrong” and lead to feelings of guilt if you do anything you think they wouldn’t approve of. on the other, it can make you feel good to be trusted. it’s complicated.

i’ve been thinking it’s a thing to not say maybe. i worry it could be misunderstood. like thinking it’s all about “right” or “wrong.”
i worry that by saying “i trust you” that you will start feeling guilty for anything you’ve ever done that you imagine i wouldn’t like…even if you don’t know for sure if i would or not, just that you don’t know or assume. and that now that i said that you will never be able to talk to me about stuff for fear of my not trusting you anymore…or judging you.

when i say “i trust you” i don’t mean that i think you are perfect and would never do anything “wrong.” it means i trust that you have the ability to follow YOUR OWN sense of right and wrong. not mine. or anyone else’s. a lot of kids think that the only thing parents mean when they talk about trust is sex and drugs and alcohol. and that’s part of it. but it’s not the whole picture. i trust that if you have sex or use drugs or alcohol, you are doing so of your own choice. not from peer pressure. that you are curious about how it will feel. that you are making choices from a place of self-awareness and with people you trust not to hurt you or take advantage of you or who will take care of you if you need it. and that you will call me (or dad or your brothers or someone you really trust) if you ever find yourself in a situation where you need to.

but it goes beyond those typical things. i trust that you know yourself, i trust that you can handle your relationships, that you are kind when you can be and gently unkind when you have to be, and when you have moments of thoughtlessness and hurt someone, that you know how to apologize. and mean it. and learn from it. that you make no space in your life for people who would purposely hurt you. that you will know when you need to ask for help and when you can do something on your own. that you can talk to me about anything and i won’t judge you. that you dance when you feel like it and sleep when you want to and eat what you love and smile at puppies and love your life and move through it with confidence and beauty and open arms…

i hope you will always know that my trust in you is about your self-knowledge and not about actions or normal exploration of this amazing life. and that i love you more than i can ever express.Share

the fence

i'm at an exciting and peaceful place in my life.

i am looking forward, into a journey i am about to take. carefully packing my bags. getting prepared. eagerly but patiently anticipating the changes. and for the first time in my parenting life i'm not mourning the passing of time.

i'm the mom of 3 teens (well one is a young adult). all of them growing up so quickly and finding their own unique form of independence. but i'm still in the process of "raising" them...in whatever capacity i'm needed as it changes so frequently as they grow. over the years i've had more than a few occasions of wanting to stop the clock. to just keep them in that moment for a little longer. and i've wanted to stop that clock for myself as well.

but here i am. in my early forties. ready to move forward. no more stopping. no more regretting what i have or have not done. no more feeling like time is running out. or trying to figure out what the frikkin point is to whatever it is i'm doing. having the clearest vision i've ever had about what i want my life to look like in the next few years. readysetgo!!

but wait...

also for the first time, i'm having a vision that doesn't include being a mom. at least not 100% like i'm used to. and i'm okay with this in a way i never would have been before. when the kids were young, fantasies of a life where i'm solely focused on my desires was more about escape and a serious need for a break (that i wouldn't give myself for years and years to come) than it was a true and proper vision.

now? well, it's at a time when gradually working towards a vision of a future where my kids will more than likely be on their own is a reality. it's about taking my head out of the sands of time-stopping and relishing the possibilities. without guilt. because it's still a few years off and i'm just slowly getting ready. i don't want to wait until i'm standing in an empty house wondering where everyone went and what to do now.

i find myself straddling a fence with a foot planted firmly on either side. on one, i'm doing many things i love while still being available for my family, spending time together and enjoying the now. on the other, i'm putting in the foundation of a life that i want when my kids have their own lives apart from me (a journey they each started some time ago).

some days i feel the pull of one foot or the other trying to jump the fence. the foot in the now wanting to hurry over to the side where things are new and full of different experiences. the foot in the future wanting to sneak back to the safety of what is familiar. in the past i might have looked at either of those times and called them fear, weakness...running away. now i know they are part of the journey. part of learning who i am and what i want. not judging or resisting. continuing to move forward with whatever each day needs. and being okay with myself and my life. embracing what is. and doing so with hopeful (instead of terrified) feelings for the future.Share

me and my girl

tuesday afternoon, sadie and i decided it was time to go get our noses pierced together! so we did! it's something i've wanted to do for over 25 years. i wasn't allowed to when i was a teen and later i just never did, i was busy with school and then i got married and then i had kids and it was just not high on my list of priorities. but i always wanted to. and thought about it on and off over the years. i got a wild hair about a month ago and i started thinking how it would be a fun thing to do with sadie. and when i asked her she was into it. 

we went to Ink Revolution Studios and i nervously filled out the forms. when we went back to the room i was excited but a part of me was like "what. are. you. doing?!" luckily we had a great person doing the piercing, his name is mouse, and he was friendly and patient and answered all my questions about pain. so then it was happening, he had the clamp on my nose and i was breathing in and out and suddenly i said "wait." i was considering not doing it. i got a rush of fear. i have had 3 kids without drugs. i knew i could do this. it wasn't so much about the pain...but about whether or not the pain was worth the thing i wanted. i took a few more breaths and said "ok, go!" and he did it and it hurt. but differently than i thought it would. it was a stinging pain. i hadn't expected that. but then it was over. and when he took off the clamp there was a rush of relief...stupid clamp. and it was done! 

then it was sadie's turn. she was nervous too, she says she doesn't handle pain well. but she did great, didn't hesitate like i did. but it did hurt and she teared up. but when he took that clamp off you could see and hear her relief. 

we talked about aftercare and he told us about all these other kinds of cool piercings and then we were on our way. we were both filled with adrenaline as we sat in the car trying to get a good selfie together and laughing like hyenas. 

it was like we were kinda drunk but also kinda high. you gotta love adrenaline! we went to target to get anti-bacterial soap and i don't know what happened while we were in there but i know we wandered around giggling a lot. we got the soap and then went to Pal's to get fries and cheese sandwiches. yum. we came home and ate and posted pics of our adventure and then watched the movie Waiting for Forever. it was a pretty perfect day!

i'm at this point in my life where i'm realizing THIS IS IT. this is the one life you have. it's crazy to spend so many years wanting to do something and just not do it, especially something you actually CAN do. unlike some other things. i wonder what other longings just got shifted from the "impossible" to the "possible" list in my head...(psst...i've never ever wanted a tattoo, but now i'm sort of thinking about it. something super simple. i already sort of have it designed in my head!...ssshhhh). but i've never been on a plane. which means i've never been to any of the countries i'd love to visit. i've never even been out west. i want to figure out how to do things that i have come to simply accept that i would probably never do. just lots of thinking happening.

anyway...back to me and my girl...

last night we had another girls-night-out. we went to our favorite Korean Taco House for some delish noodles (i also had a yummy veggie taco). afterwards we had a little time to kill so we tried walking around but there wasn't much to do (sadly) and it was cold so we headed over to Blue Moon Dinner Theatre (which normally has plays but recently started doing older movies on wednesday nights) even though the movie didn't start for half an hour. it was really cool because the guy who showed us around was really interesting and told us about the play that's currently going on about 2 couples staying in a cabin and the next one which is about fairy folk and he told us about it in an irish accent. i'm hoping we'll make it to both plays. this was our first time going and it was a real relief. see i make plans in my head to do things at places i've never been to and often i get really nervous and i will end up not going. new places freak me out. but once i go (and have a positive experience) i get a calm and extreme happiness that washes over me. because i know that next time i want to go i will be able to without anxiety (usually).

so we sat and talked for a bit, looked at local magazines, got popcorn and finally it was time for the movie... The Princess Bride. which is the second classic movie i've introduced to sadie this week (the first was Say Anything...)

we went home and sat quietly looking at our devices for a bit and even though it was not even 9 yet i was feeling ready to go to bed. so i read for a little bit before falling asleep. and that is what a good evening looks like for me.

i am really enjoying spending time with sadie as she is growing into a young woman. it's so easy for both of us to just spend time quietly in our own little worlds, both content to just huddle up at home in blankets watching tv shows and movies or doing things online. i don't want to let too much time slip by without also spending time face to face, doing things together that involve a little more reaching. because time goes by too fast these days. and i don't want to miss anything. (did anyone just now hear steve tyler singing...i don't wanna close my eyes, i don't wanna fall asleep cuz i'd miss you baby and i don't wanna miss a thing...sorry.)

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continuing to make slow & steady progress…

as i’ve been learning this new art form, i have spent a lot of time thinking…it really is so meditative. i’ve thought about the cliche that weaving is a metaphor for life…and it’s true but more specifically i find it to be a metaphor for parenting (you could insert pretty much any rewarding, difficult and time consuming thing here)…

you put a lot of time into something that you may not see the results of immediately…it could even take years. when you make mistakes, and you will, sometimes you see them right away and dive in to fix them. some you don’t even realize you made until much later when the effort to fix them can be overwhelming and much harder than if you’d realized it sooner. there are small joys only you may notice, but they matter. there is such a huge commitment of time and energy…every little tiny bit is important and so worth it. every small section a part of a larger effort. when you’re new at it you realize it’s a little harder than you expected, but because you love it so much you don’t mind the hard parts and find that those are the times when you learn the most.

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..tech.no.log.y..

whenever i start having hateful feelings about all of the modern technology that is super distracting to me, all i have to do is wait. just wait a darn minute and something will happen to remind me just how fantastic it really is. like right now, scotty is miles and miles away from me, yet we were chatting and commenting on things together on facebook. you might say, well, there was always the phone…but neither of us has ever ever ever enjoyed talking on the phone. somehow chatting (and yes, sending silly stickers and personal blind typing challenges are a part of that) just works better for us.

and last night while i was watching the movie “on the road”, sadie and silas went in the kitchen to make ramen…and never came out. but i could hear them in there. they weren’t dead. they were laughing and talking…for 2 hours. finally when the movie was almost over i went in and they were sitting on the floor laughing and proceeded to tell me they were snap chatting. with each other (and probably a gazillion other people miles and miles away). and earlier in the day (or maybe it was yesterday) silas finally got an instagram and within minutes he said “i already have 3 followers!” and it was because within minutes sadie was able to tell their friends (who are miles and miles away) about it. and i just stood there and said “you guys have no idea how unbelievably cool it is to live right now” and went on to explain things like long distance phone calls that were limited to 3 minutes and letters that took days. things they’ve heard me wax on about before. but it’s just so endlessly cool! they can tell a friend something in just seconds…and it can be super personal and deep or it can be that they just painted their brother’s fingernails…with pictures!!

so i’ve been on this crazy fence about how i’d like to reduce the technology in my life. but i get these glimpses of perspective and i realize it’s not the technology i need to rid myself of…it’s that i need to manage my time better. and i bet there is a fancy modern technology device somewhere that could help me with that…Share

i only cried a wee bit when i read this. thank you joey!

"well, thank you to everyone who came out last night! thank you to Capone’s and to Andy Donovan, JoyBang, and The Continental Waylay, and HUGE THANK YOU to Deathly The Dog, who waited until the wee hours of the morning, who endured sitting out in the cold while the alcohol fuzz did random sweeps of the bars, and who put on one of the tightest, most kickass performances of any band i’ve seen, ever. these kids are gonna rank among the world’s best by the time they reach their mid-early twenties, mark my word." - joey tucciaroneShare

fresh mulch show, october 10, 2013

last night was the last (maybe) fresh mulch recording blowout show at capone's. there were 5 acts in all: joey t, a.o. donovan, joybang, continental waylay, and deathly the dog. the lineup was originally a little different but the boys had to wait as it was a night when the abc was heavily pub crawling and silas couldn't be inside the bar (age things) so he was sitting outside most of the night waiting to go on. they finally got on stage about 2:20 am. but it was worth it, they were tired but totally kicked it!!

joey t

this was my first time seeing joey play and i really enjoyed his powerful voice, i look forward to hearing him again soon. the boys went to get some food while donovan was on so we went down the street to talk with them and hang out before going back to watch joybang...who are always a real treat to see.

joybang

the boys were set to go on after them but the police were still going in and out and generally just hanging about too much so the continental waylay went on, i hadn't seen them before either and i enjoyed their vocals and guitar playing. but i was so tired and hungry at this point i thought i might just go find a corner and fall asleep and was having a hard time focusing on the music. but i didn't fall asleep or die or anything and soon enough the boys were given a thumbs up to come in and play. and they played!!

deathly the dog

it was so great to hear them on such a fantastic sound system and i really hope joey was able to get some decent recordings...because even though they were tired and a lot of people had unfortunately left after the police/abc came, it was one of their most energetic and well played shows. they got a lot of really positive feedback from many people and i think they felt pretty good about it even with the minor setbacks.

i went home filled with pride and their song "spider bites" stuck in my head.Share

.worst.day:best.day.

the weeks since camp have been a roller coaster for sure. having gotten a fun little broken ribs injury the last night of camp i’ve spent these few weeks doing very little and taking mild pain meds on and off. the first week after camp i was in an ACTUAL state of euphoria…something i’ve never experienced before and it was awesome. and then one day it all shifted and i started into a bit of a downward spiral of depression. i finally talked to scotty about it wednesday morning and he said it’s a common thing that happens among athletes and is often referred to as “post-ironman depression.” (i just found this in an online article: “but it can stem from any event that has demanded a large amount of your time in preparation and planning, and then is finally over”). wow! i feel better just knowing it’s an actual thing. very validating.

edit: it was pointed out to me by kelly lovejoy that post-event depression it is just like postpartum depression.

but then later that day i took all the kids for their 6 month dentist appointment for cleaning. i was feeling really good and having random conversations with the kids about all sorts of things and then they were all behind closed swingy doors getting their teeth cleaned. i flipped through some people magazines and just as i was about to be thoroughly bored they each came out one by one as usual first sadie and silas…their hygienists telling me all is good, no cavities etc etc.

and then samuel comes out with his hygienist and she says she wants to show me his xray and talk about it. first she said he needed his one and only wisdom tooth out soon and then she showed me an unusual dark area on his jaw bone that they were very concerned about and then another hygienist came out to get me and brought me in the back (a place that has always been off limits if you’re not a patient so i was starting to get worried). and all these doctors and hygienists were all around us and talking at the same time and showing me the xray on the computer and pointing out the dark spot and it was all a bit overwhelming. and then they were emailing the xray to a specialist and wanting us to make an appointment ASAP and samuel was talking about all the dates he would be gone this month and the receptionist was like no you will need to go to the specialist this week. now i was getting more than a little concerned. they said they would call and let us know. we went home and just as we were starting to tell scotty what was going on they called and said they made the appointment for the very next day!

i was trying really hard to hold in my worst fears when samuel started to worry and got on google (something i do not recommend when you are in this sort of situation). he found images of xrays that looked very much like his…and they were all bone cancer. and then he read up on it and found that most people only live about 5 years after getting this kind of cancer (upon doing my own looking today out of curiosity i found this was something he simply misunderstood and is related to a term doctors use called “5 year survival”). so there was a lot of trying not to freak out going on in our house for the subsequent 24 hours. i didn’t sleep well that night. and thursday was the longest day ever just waiting for his appointment, luckily he had to work and so his day involved less pacing and distraction making than mine. i finally had a little break down when scotty got up, i just couldn’t hold it together anymore. all the thoughts i had been suppressing just finally overwhelmed me.

finally, we went to the specialist. the radiologist was super nice and kept telling us over and over how easy we were and nice and friendly…made me wonder what sort of people they were used to dealing with. then she took samuel for the xray, i swear if xrays took as long to develop as they used to i might have had a nervous breakdown by now. but technology is an amazing thing and within 5 minutes of taking the images we were looking at his new xray on the computer screen. and it looked pretty darn normal to me. and so i started feeling excited but waited for the doctor before allowing pure relief to flow over me. and sure enough he came in and took one look at it and reassured us that everything was perfectly fine and that the other xray from the dentist was, using professional terminology, a “crappy xray.” i had the biggest smile and finally i just cried a little. i have never felt so relieved and exhilarated.  he talked a bit about why the wisdom tooth needed to come out and what the procedure would be like and then we left. we picked up sadie and silas and went out for a much needed celebratory lunch and had a lot of fun talking and laughing and making our usual public display of total weirdness.

so for 24 hours i was at rock bottom. the weeks of mild depression were nothing compared to this. and it feels like having hit that super low and then having that super high jolted me out of whatever i’d been feeling about my life. like nothing, NOTHING can ever be as bad as how i felt for those 24 hours. it was definitely perspective shifting. not that one can always be lifted out of depression just by gaining perspective. for me i think it was definitely a chemical thing that happened in my brain and body when that relief spilled over me. major endorphins and dopamine spreading through my body like crazy to the point i didn’t even notice my ribs hurting for a little while. and i think the chemical jolt was enough to undo the spiral i was in. or at least i hope so. i hope this feeling sticks around for a while longer. when i was walking this morning i was thinking about all of this and how i was feeling a lot of self-doubt and frustration and how now i just can’t see any reason to let those feelings and thoughts creep in.

it seems like it wasn’t that long ago we had a similar scare with a lump on sadie’s throat. she ended up actually having surgery to remove it but it was benign. and just like yesterday we were on edge until we knew. i don’t think there is a single thing as terrifying and heart wrenching as thinking your child might die…and try as you might not to, just the suggestion of a possible illness will set your mind down that road of thinking about it.

believe it or not i had about a million more things i was gonna say about all of this but i am just gonna leave it. i feel good. samuel is fine. we are all fine. it’s all good.Share

in which laura shares crazy

i question my reality on a pretty regular basis. usually it involves things that are very the-matrix-is-broken. like “coincidences” happening non-stop for days on end.

the past few weeks have been like that. i have not been doing much because broken ribs. and i have been taking pain meds on and off (not the hard stuff, just aleve which is like super drugs for me).

one thing i have noticed is that i feel really observant of images but at the same time i can’t follow a conversation or remember key pieces of information i’ve been told. at all. not remembering things is sort of a normal thing for me but it’s just worse right now. but the observant part is really weird. i can’t explain it. but it’s like. stuff, people, even on tv are all…the right size. like everything feels the right size. i don’t know what this means. i can’t really get the words right for this. everything i look at is right and proportionately correct and feels good to look at. the word right is the only one that comes to me. every single time i find myself looking at things. they are the right size. oh man. ummm…next…

so also i have always had the thing happen a lot where you are reading a word at the same time someone says it. or you see an image of a goat and the word goat in a song will happen at the exact moment…

right now a hummingbird keeps buzzing around me and it’s freaking me out!

…so this has been happening but like 5 or 6 times a day sometimes more for the last 2 weeks and it’s starting to make me question my reality. more than usual.

last night everyone wanted ice cream. normally scotty goes on these runs for us but he was cleaning the kitchen so i went. earlier i had been listening to the album “beer in the breakers” by the wave pictures and my ipod was paused on “walk the back stairs quiet” the part with the long solo and so i turned it back on and i was just driving down the road enjoying the guitar solo and suddenly he sings “scoop the ice cream with the dipper” and i bust out laughing for like 2 and a half minutes. because i’m on an ice cream run and…okay it was really funny at the time.

i’m pretty sure the matrix is crumbling

i convinced myself of this once a few years ago when a really random coincidence was just too much…i was looking at a picture of a dinosaur or something and someone said something about dinosaurs. or maybe it was another thing. but it wasn’t a typical word combination and it was weird and i decided i was in some coma and my reality was being made up by conversations going on around me by people visiting me in the hospital.

usually when it happens i tell everyone about it and say “what are the chances” but they started using that phrase as a way to poke fun at me so i stopped.

i shouldn’t share things i think about

or maybe i should share them more and i might find out that other people think crazy shit all the time too and therefore i would feel less alone in the world.

i wish this were the weirdest thing i thought about

but it’s notShare

what do you want to be when you grow up?

i love how conversations amble along…you start in one place and end up down the street in a completely different neighborhood. yesterday, silas and i had a conversation like that. we were in the car on the way home from the orthodontist and somehow we started talking about moving, i think because scotty is finishing school this year and there was some brief discussion the night before about “what if we had to move away if he got a job somewhere else, etc.” he asked why people always want to move to new york (i had mentioned something about how when i was young i thought i would move to new york and be a fashion designer…you can stop laughing now!). so i told him how a lot of specific culture (entertainment, culinary, etc.) is concentrated in particular areas and if what you love and want to pursue is in one of these places you are likely going to want to go there. like hollywood and new york, they have opportunities that are different than other places. maybe. it really depends on a lot of variables. he asked where you would move if you wanted to study bugs, specifically preying mantises. i said it would depend on if you wanted to study on your own or go to school. in the former you would probably get loads of books and go to a place that had a particularly high concentration of preying mantises, maybe find a mentor to work with/for. in the latter you would want to find a school that had resources and curriculum that appealed to you and maybe that had a very specific and specialized focus on what you wanted to learn. oh i also said at the beginning of the conversation “if you wanted to be an epidemiologist…” and we both were like, wait no that’s not right, that’s skin…and then simultaneously we said “entomologist!!”  so there’s that. he said he read that you don’t even get considered for a job as an entomologist unless you have a master’s degree.

then i asked him if he ever thought about these kinds of things, like if he wanted to study something specific one day or even go to school for something. he said he thought about studying bugs (that’s when i said, oh that’s why you knew that about the master’s degree! and he said yeah…). but he said he might just study them as a hobby. and i proceeded to tell him the image that studying bugs as a hobby brought to my mind (it had to do with buggy ickiness and basements and possibly baldness…don’t tell anyone i said that!). and he thought it was horrible and said he didn’t want to be bald OR have a basement…ever. and that he would never even live in a house with a basement. if a house had a basement he would say no thanks. also attics. no attics. no places in a house where you don’t go very often and are dark. and i said you could tell the realtor you would take the house but they had to fill in the basement with cement. and he said no it would just still BE THERE. okaaaay, moving right along…i asked what about garages and he said garages were okay. (i did not say anything about how bugs are mostly in dark places where people don’t go very often).

i think about this stuff a lot…my kids’ interests, their passions. and the question kids get a lot…what do you want to be when you grow up??  i don’t ask that one often. i am really so much more interested in what makes them excited right now. i don’t always ask that one either, but i am always paying attention for signs of it. i think asking “what do you want to be/do?” is often a stumbling block. i’ve seen eyes go blank and sometimes even fear and then shrugs. but ask a kid what they are excited about RIGHT NOW…that gets way more enthusiastic responses. they know the answer to that one. the other is just too far away for some kids to even contemplate. and why should they? there are far more important things they can be thinking about and spending their time doing. right now, the possibilities, discoveries and wonders are endless.

i believe that if kids are let alone enough to explore and supported enough to further their interests that they will come to ask themselves that deeply profound set of questions: “what do i want to do…what do i love doing…what will i become…who will i become…who am i right now??” and that is a far greater thing than any other, to be able to ask yourself these questions and have the space in which to find your very own answers.Share

my thank you post from facebook...

i love the internet, even facebook ;) because when have we ever been able to so easily wish people happy birthday or any other sweet message we might want to send.

i just went through and liked all my fb happy birthdays, i hadn't planned to do that. i was just going to do this single thank you. but then i noticed there were so many that i hadn't even seen because of the way fb does notifications now all lumped together. so i went through them all, one by one. and it was wonderful. i think there were at last 40 that i didn't see yesterday. wow.

i love that i got wishes from people living right here in my house, close friends nearby and from states far away, old friends from high school, people in the unschooling community all over the world that i've never met and those that i have but rarely see, people i have become friends with online because of mutual interests (usually music) and on other social media sites (like tumblr), and from musicians that i admire from nearby and in other parts of the world whose music i adore.

never has there been a time when that could happen so quickly and effortlessly. some people might say that because it's so easy that it means less than a card in the mail. but i disagree. sure, it doesn't take but a second to wish someone a happy day, but that doesn't make its effect any less significant. they all, every single one, made me smile.

so that is why i will continue to wish people happy birthday on facebook, whether we are family, best friends or even if we aren't super close or don't really know each other...simply because it might just make someone smile.
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what a difference a year can make

last year, samuel started recording music in his bedroom. he was frustrated with not being able to find anyone to start a band with and decided to just do it all himself. he got a 4 track app for his phone and went to work at it. he played all the instruments and did the vocals and mixing. he won’t let anyone listen to those early recordings but they were an important part of the process. then he saved up for an actual 8 track recorder and started making his first demo, again by himself, which he put up on bandcamp under the name that sadie gave him for his “band”…deathly the dog.

he continued to make more recordings and eventually did an acoustic open mic show with only a guitar. it went pretty well but he was itching to play electric with a full band. shortly after that silas started showing an interest in drumming for him (there was absolutely no bribery involved *cough cough*). pretty soon they were playing their first open mic together as a band. having silas on the drums was exactly what samuel needed to make his dream of having a band come true AND the confidence to get out in front of people and not be nervous. he said that he didn’t think he could do it without him now. silas grew to really love doing it and is a phenomenal drummer.

they started playing open mic nights regularly at the same coffeehouse to very receptive crowds who grabbed up all their CDs and talked to them after their sets. when they finally decided to play another venue, the place was empty by the time they went on and it was a bit disheartening but it was a good learning experience. PLUS, it was the night they met another local teen band called war penguin (liam, joe, and emma). and they’ve all been playing together regularly ever since. samuel now plays drums and banjo for WP and liam has become the bass player for DtD.

a few weeks ago, samuel, silas and liam headed to a real studio to lay down tracks for their first professionally recorded demo. i was so impressed with their performance and competence, they knew what to do and got 5 songs down in under 5 hours. last night samuel went back to do the vocal tracks (they had just done scratch tracks on the first day). he gave samuel a couple “mini mastered” cds to take home and make some notes of anything they wanted to change before doing the final master.

today, we put it on the bose and cranked it up. we talked about the early versions and how different these are. these new recordings sound amazing even in their work-in-progress state. when i took samuel to work we played it in the car and even with my slowly dying speakers it still sounded fantastic. 

i’m really excited about this demo. it shows how much they have learned individually and as a group in the last few months alone. how playing live shows has made their performance stronger and tighter. i’m blown away by the talent of these young people and i agree with what my friend who recorded them said “i can’t wait to see what they do next.”

photos taken by ren allen at the down home on march 6, 2013

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my teen partners

i made a joke earlier today that watching any series on netflix was a full-time job. and it’s true. but it got me thinking about the many different “jobs” i have had over the years under the single title of “mom.”

this year all three of the kids are turning milestone ages: 13, 16, and 18. my mind has been on this a lot lately. i’m reminded of when they were all 5 and under and people would ask what it was like to have 3 young children. i would often describe it as having 3 very different jobs with 3 different bosses. each child having unique needs and how you have to learn how to meet each of those needs, that you cannot parent all children the same. even how you show love to each child can be different depending on the child’s personality, emotional needs and receptive ability. 

it took me a few years to realize that while that may have been how i described it, it wasn’t necessarily how i experienced it. i found better words for it as the kids got older. i found that i didn’t really see my children as bosses but as partners. i knew early on that i was seeing the world through each of their individual lenses and experiencing right along with them and facilitating when needed. but that depth was always hard for me to describe to people.

now that they are all in their teens (well almost, sadie being still 12…but really she has been a teen since she was 3) i still feel like we have a beautiful partnership and i continue to experience new things through them.

i remember people warning me that i would have 3 teenagers one day (gasp!) and that i told them right away how much i looked forward to that day. it is here and it is awesome…actually even better than i thought it might be. i was right, but i still had no idea.

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this dream...

last night i had the worst school dream i think i've ever had.  i was myself but i was also a kid and i was not my kids' mom anymore but their sister.  and we had decided to go to school.  we had never been to school before and we were nervous.  but in my mind somewhere i knew that i had been to school before but i knew i wasn't really me anymore.  i was sitting at a table with pam horton and mary montgomery and all the other people around me were people from high school, but i couldn't tell you who exactly now.  there was a test being passed out and we had to share the question sheet.  i kept reading it and trying to understand what it was asking but i couldn't and i asked mary and pam and they said they couldn't talk.  i tried answering it on my paper and couldn't write.  i started panicking.  i kept trying to understand the question and talking it out but then the teacher came and we all got in trouble.  mary and pam were so mad at me.  everyone was mad at me and they were all looking at me and talking about me and how stupid i was.  i started to cry but held it back.  and then my chest started hurting.  i left the classroom.  i started leaving and as i was leaving i found samuel and he was leaving too. and then sadie was leaving.  we passed silas and he was playing with some kids and wasn't upset at all, but he left with us anyway.  my chest kept hurting and i finally started crying and it kept hurting until i fell on the ground and couldn't breathe and it just hurt so bad.  i was able to eventually get up and we kept walking home.  we came to a river with a bridge over it.  the bus was coming and it wasn't going to stop for us and kids were pointing at us from the bus.  so we went to the river and looked down.  and then we all jumped in.  i remember being worried about sadie, but then we were okay and we swam across and it took forever to get to the other side.  and then we went home and i was hurting so bad that i could feel i was starting to wake up from it.  when we got home, MY mom was our mom and that startled me so much that i woke up.  and my chest still hurt.  and i still feel like i can't take a really good deep breath.

i woke to find a wonderful text from my friend jana.  just a beautiful affirmation kind of out of the blue text.  it helped me to wake up from the freakiness of that dream and i wrote back to simply say thanks but found myself in a halfsleep telling her about what i've been feeling:  "i have been in a very isolated space lately and most everything i do right now is obligation.  i am trying to heal something deep and learning to take the time to do it is hard.  i am blessed with amazing women like you in my life who accept me for just me.  trying not to feel like i have to be more than that is hard. thank you for reminding me of what IS."  the thing is, nothing about my life right now is hard, but there are things that i try to work through while also navigating this amazing, very full and happy life and that can be daunting.

i can't help but feel that this dream was telling me that i am on the right path...no matter how hard it is.  i am trying to walk away from ways that no longer serve me.  a few years ago i got sort of shell shocked by someone and it caused me to build a callous, to lose my carefreeness and to be more cynical than i have ever been in my life.  so i started reading about taoism again, this has helped me start to unearth my authentic pooh-like self.  i know that i have let go of a lot of that old hurt, but in many ways i still carry it around and it is terribly heavy.  a weight in my chest.  it skewed my vision of everyone around me and i lost a lot of the progress i had made towards embracing friendship after so many years of pushing it away.

wow, i can take a deep breath now.  that feels really good.Share

to be a mother

this weekend was my mom's birthday.  40 years ago she was getting ready to have another baby, me, her 3rd.  she was 21.  she would have one more baby by the time she was 26.  all girls.

we went over to visit, just me and the kids.  my mom was home alone, it was the day after her birthday and she was tired from the trip out of town they had taken. everyone else had gone to my little sister's house to watch the football game.  so we sat and talked for a few hours.  the kids listening and commenting sometimes.  but mostly listening.  we talked about some of the things going on with the family.  the dysfunction of it all.  the usual.

she was telling me how she is learning mindfulness.  which led to talking about parenting and she said that when she was growing up she thought how things were in her family were normal. and when she had kids, she just did what she thought was normal, even though she did try to be less abusive than her father.  by the time she realized that abuse wasn't normal, that there were these other families that had happy, healthy relationships, she already had 3 kids and didn't really know how to change anything.  there weren't all the books and support and punitive parenting was still more prevalent than it is now.  she talked about what a family should be like and wishing that she had been able to change back then.  she told me that she and my oldest sister were talking and they felt like my family (me, scotty, the kids) were what they thought a perfect family should be.  this brought on such a rush of emotion for me.  i have always felt resentment from my family, for my choices in parenting and life in general.  they have given the impression, and even sometimes said the words, that they felt like i thought i was better than them.  i realized years later that it was their resentment, their feelings of being judged simply by my choice to do differently that put a wall between us.

we're dysfunctional.  we know how to get together and pretend like things are normal.  this is how it's always been done.  in the past few years though, i've been feeling an unraveling of that pretense.  that we are becoming more willing to talk about the past.  i think this is helping us finally heal.  she is learning to be a good parent to the grandkids they are raising/helping to raise, she is also letting my dad do more of the parenting this time around.  i admire that and i'm jealous of that at the same time. but supportive like crazy of it!!

we talked about what i've had to do for the last 15 years to become the parent i knew i could be, the work of undoing all the learned, knee-jerk behaviors and parenting.  how hard that has been.  there was a time when i didn't think i would be able to say those things to her.  i feel confident now more than ever that she understands and we aren't shushing the past anymore.

this is what it takes to be a mother.  it takes more than love. there has to be some kind of intention, some idea of what kind of mother you want to be and then get to work doing that.

for years i doubted that my mother loved us, more specifically whether she loved me or not.  i know now that if love were enough to be a good mom, she would've been a better one.  she did and does love us, very much.  i know this now.  and it is healing to no end.Share

memory lane this morning

scotty left for the first day of classes this morning on his bike. he returned within half an hour with a broken chain. he was going to drive to class but i told him i'd take him as he would never find a parking space in time. and i was right. i can't believe the number of cars on campus now. they keep making more parking lots and still there are not enough spaces. what is that about?? when i was going to etsu, it was tough to find spots but there weren't as many cars actually moving about on campus searching for spaces or dropping people off. just seems to be TONS of cars now. it looks like every student has a car. ah well...

so anyway, i got the chance to drive by ball hall, the art building...MEMORIES!! and i saw veda hull walking across the street. that really took me back to the days of art history classes. just so happened that i was listening to some camper van beethoven (telephone free land slide victory)...it got me thinking about those 4 years i spent as an art student at a university. if i could do it all over again, i would've just gone to an art school. or not gone at all. no, i would've gone...having access to so many types of art, people, and different mediums gave me a chance to explore more than i might've on my own. probably wouldn't be the same person now if not for those experiences.

i don't remember thinking about what i would do in my life...i was very in the moment and didn't have any visions of being a professional artist. i thought i'd just work at kinko's forever and do art on the side i guess...i really can't remember.

as i'm writing this i'm listening to a bob mould song that i pulled up because it came into my mind after reading a facebook post that mentioned husker du...and it's funny how it just fits with this moment...

bob mould, see a little light video

Listen, there's music in the air
I heard your voice, coming from somewhere
But look how much we've grown
I guess i should have known

As the years go by, they take their toll on you
Think of all the things we wanted to do
And all the words we said yesterday
That's a long time ago
You didn't think i'd really go, now
Are you waiting? (i know why)
You're already saying goodbye
Are you ready? (i know why)

I see a little light, i know you will
I can see it in your eyes, i know you still care
But if you want me to go
You should just say so

there is no real point to this post...just meandering thoughts from this morning. no revelations. no insights. just my brain. on display. like it used to be.

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the wheel

it goes 'round and 'round...

yesterday, scotty and i went yardsaling on the tree streets. it's an annual ginormous yard sale that goes on for several blocks and several streets. we went by ourselves. it was relaxing and spontaneous. we hadn't even made plans to go until that morning. we held hands and walked and talked. we bought things we needed and didn't need. normal. everyday. marriage. just being in the moment together.

it seems more lately than ever that we sometimes forget to just be with each other. we get into our own things and forget to connect, to really, truly connect. after 16 years together, i think we just have to try harder. i don't really know, this isn't about knowing. i've never really blogged about knowing anything. i usually just ponder. that's what i do.

i've spent the last 15 years trying to be a good mom, re-wiring my brain to let go of the things i learned growing up so that i could be the mom i knew i was meant to be. somewhere along the way i think i got it down pretty well. but recently, i've been feeling like i need to start with a clean slate for being a good partner as well. not that i've been a bad one, but there are so many things i get wrong or don't understand or just resist when it comes to relationships. things, again, that i learned from my past.

i've been looking at all the helpful one-liners that were easy reminders for how to parent well and seeing them as also very useful for how to partner well. things like "would you treat a stranger how you just treated your child?" or "would you talk to your partner the way you talk to your child?" the sort of questions in the parenting books that i really liked that dealt with respect and leaving dignity intact. scotty and i both had to learn these things to be the parents we wanted to be.

these same things came so naturally a long time ago when we were just getting to know each other. somehow the years make us less considerate and careful of our words. i'm not saying we are not good to each other. because we are. i think we just forget.

so i'm working on remembering. changing habits. that's a hard thing to do. but so was changing the things i knew about parenting and the knee-jerk reactions that came along with them.

getting back to really listening, not judging, being engaged, more patient and kind.

sounds simple enough...right??

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AMY STEINBERG

okay, so i haven't blogged in awhile. big surprise. i've got this idea in my head that i need to blog everything in chronological order and so when i get behind...i REALLY get behind!! i don't want to post new stuff because i haven't posted old stuff yet and so it goes. BUT, i've found lately that when doing a facebook status i'm having to delete spaces and exclamation points and WHOLE words to fit in under the 420 word limit. so i'm thinking i probably need to start blogging again just to have space to say all the stuff i want to say. that said, here's a new post!!!

last night, after derby practice, we went to acoustic coffeehouse next door. it was transformed into the church of amy steinberg and we were seriously in need of the gospel according to amy. opening for her was our own teresa robinson! this was her first time playing for a public audience. it was an honor to witness that. she's a tiny girl with a powerful voice that i would've never suspected since she is just so quiet.

when amy took the stage for her soundcheck, i was all ears. i love this woman. she is such an inspiration. her music is soul feeding. and her voice ain't too shabby either. she makes a performance out of her sound check for goodness sakes!!! she moves the audience to participate with singing along and dancing and feeling everything she is putting out there on the stage.

i'm still recovering from the crud we've had around here, so i sat for most of the performance (just doing a little chair dancing) but a few times i was moved to get up and dance. and sing. and shout. i'm sort of paying for it today. but it was totally worth it.

i told amy afterwards that i was thinking about the first time i saw her play. it was almost exactly 3 years ago, at the home of ben and kelly lovejoy. we didn't know anyone there except the jones family we brought with us!! it's amazing to think about that because many of the people that were there that weekend are now some of the most important people in my life. i sat way in the back of the yard that day. last night, i had a front row seat! it felt like she was singing to me all night. of course, it was a small venue so it would've felt that way no matter where i sat. although she did say at one point that she specifically wanted to make love to me...laura bowman...so i'm pretty sure the whole concert was just for my benefit.

we hung out for a little when it was over and helped pick up and pack up. samuel helped up on the stage and i, being the dorky documenting mom i am, had to get a picture...

the kids played with the cool old organ that sits in the back against the wall and said we really needed to get one of those. silas did a little stand up on stage that i didn't know about until he was done because i was talking with amy and ren near the door. i hate that i missed that. and sadie ran around with her posse as usual.

as we were leaving, i could feel the adrenaline rush start to fade and was reminded that i was sick. so after laughing and talking with the kids in the dining room (while scotty was trying to do some homework...oops!) i went to bed and fell asleep with amy's voice in my head...we go round and round and round and round and roooound.

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a perfect snow day

remember when you were a kid and it would snow and you would hope and hope and hope that school would be closed?? well, yesterday was like that. scotty didn't have to go to work because their power was out and functions were cancelled..woo hoo!! i had that same excitement, especially with how many hours he's been working lately, the idea of a surprise day off was wonderful!!

we hung out for awhile, took some snow pictures, and finally realized that we actually could get out of the house to go to the grocery store. but none of the kids wanted to come. i was rewriting a list for scotty when i realized that i'd like to go to. so we went grocery shopping...by ourselves. and while grocery shopping is generally an enjoyable and fun experience with the kids, there was something especially fun about going with scotty alone. we were gone for about 4 hours and we only went to earth fare and krogers!! there was no rush to hurry and get home, we just took our time looking at things we normally don't see and sampling food and talking and laughing and asking the employees questions about products and just having fun. we also spent more than usual. scotty got some fancy cheese with truffles in it, and i picked out several things that weren't on the list.

ahh, the list...one of the reasons we bought so much was because i had the kids write the grocery list this time. something i decided to do again as it had been forever since we had done it. it's so easy to just be on auto-pilot when buying food. it helps me to have the kids remind me of things they actually want in-that-moment as opposed to just getting things i know they usually like. because that changes. often. they put snacks they wanted, specific kinds of chips and fruit, they put certain meals they like. silas put "kabetori" on the list which is something i try to make every couple months, as well as homemade salsa instead of the usual herdez, and doritoes. sadie put mostly fruit and then candy canes, tissues, ice cream, and sriracha!! samuel put macaroni and cheese and cereal. it was an interesting and diverse list.

at earth fare, we learned from my favorite cashier that "chop chop" is not politically correct. scotty was joking with me to hurry and put the groceries on the conveyer belt so he could get the bags...and he said "chop chop!" ah, you learn something new every day. we had a few laughs with her about where the cash in my wallet really came from. she is funny and nice, she's the same one who thought tim traaseth and i were siblings...and she gave me a rose last time i was there. at krogers we took more time just because i'm trying to learn the layout of the store...since i don't shop at wal-mart anymore i have to figure out how to navigate in different places. one fun game we played at the checkout was don't-give-the-cashier-your-kroger-card-until-after-all-items-are-rung-up...then when she swipes it and you watch all your savings add up you shout out "lottery!!" it made her laugh. she looked like she needed a laugh.

we finished around 4:30, went home, unloaded and put away groceries and then went to get some mexican food which i hadn't had in ages, probably since duncan stayed with us. it was so good...scotty and i shared veggie fajitas with all the fixins! silas discovered that one of the knives on the table was slightly magnetized and we had fun playing with that for longer than you'd think 5 people could play with a bunch of butter knives in a restaurant setting. we left full and happy!

as we were leaving scotty suggested we run across the street to earth fare (again) to get my floradix as i'd been craving ice and paper towels lately. did i mention the restaurant is next door to krogers. so yeah, we went to both places twice that day. as we were pulling into earth fare i told everyone how moments like these made me realize how filled with abundance our lives are. i had a house full of groceries and yet we went out to eat. i had a full belly and was sitting in a warm car. all these luxuries when there are kids with not enough to eat, little to no clean water, or decent shelter. these are things i'm thankful for. that we have so much and being able to express to my kids those feelings of gratitude and abundance.

then we went and got 2 movies from redbox ("julie & julia" and "whatever works", which i fell asleep watching). on our way home we decided to drive around the tree streets and look at lights and search for snowmen. to everyone's amusement one of the first houses we saw that had a snowman also had a 6 foot snow penis!! merry christmas indeed!! we drove up and down for about 20-30 minutes enjoying it all, talking and laughing. at some point i shouted out...this is our new tradition!! every year i start thinking about family traditions and how we simply don't have any other than putting up a tree and going to my parents' house to eat and open presents. yeah, i know that's a lot and i am thankful for all of it. but i can't help always wanting some special tradition of our own. so now i think we'll do this every time it snows enough for good snowman making. i was really surprised at how many huge snowmen there were to be found! it was encouraging to see that people still get out and make them!!

when we got home, the kids played out in the snow for awhile until the snowball fight got a little rough and silas got hurt. everyone came in and shed their wet, snowy clothes and settled in to watch movies...except silas, he decided to play WoW instead. it was a wonderful, cozy evening. i fell asleep on the couch feeling content and happy to be part of an amazing family that loves to spend time together in so many different ways.

a few snowy day pix...

sadie's snowflake window

the snow covered mail box

samuel and silas' fertility god snowman (inspired by the statues made in the movie "accepted")

sadie heading out to play in the snow

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