Tuesday, August 26, 2014

minorcan, marvelous good fortune, iji and snack champion at port-a-john in asheville, august 20, 2014

only days after camp, still on a camp-high, i went to this awesome house show and added to it a just-saw-one-of-my-favorite-bands-high!!
every band was amazing!! i took a few pix but mostly enjoyed the sounds! my phone died right after the picture with zach so i didn’t get a picture of snack champion.
i got to the house at 8, no one was there. not having a smart phone, i sent a text to scotty so he could check the event page for updates…i started to think maybe it was cancelled. but knowing how very few shows start on time, i stayed calm. i had driven an hour to asheville from johnson city and had been drinking a lot of tea so i would have energy for the long evening ahead. i had to pee! so i left and went to taco bell, used the bathroom and bought a tostada. when i got back, people were setting up. 
this is when i realized something. after spending a lot of time at events that i’ve organized, i often forget how socially awkward i am in unfamiliar situations and around people in general. standing around waiting for the show was a reminder of this. there were people starting to gather while the bands set up. i got real fidgety and walked around and played with the tall grass in the field (i stopped myself from weaving a basket though). some people talked to me, i was so weird. i had so much caffeine and awkward running through my veins and the desire to flee was strong. except i had been looking forward to seeing iji for months!! i really didn’t want to leave, i knew it was just a response to a new environment. and people.
pretty soon the show started and minorcan played a lively and spectacular set, funny and charming and very smiley. i hope to see them again sometime.
marvelous good fortune was up next and they came in with their maroon drapes and an energy and good vibe that was instantly palpable. they played a fantastic set that left me in awe. the take-away from it for me was this spoken line “everything is beautiful and you are not special” and while that may sound positive and negative at the same time. i found it 100% positive and freeing and perfect.
mgf then transformed themselves into iji and started off their set with “to figure out the party” which is such a fitting song for how i feel when seeing my favorite bands (once i get past the uncomfortable). that feeling of being so in the moment but then also not. and wanting to talk to people but not. and being awkward. but happy. i was pretty delirious and just so freaked out to be there and dancing and enjoying every minute…i can only remember a handful of what they played, hammock moments, get along, magic lanes, hard 2 wait…i wanted more but it was time for the final band.
i did work up the nerve to talk to zach after their set a little and get a picture with him. i just wish i could have an actual conversation with a musician i love this much and not be so weird and nervous. anyway…
snack champion was amazing!! their set was short but completely satisfying and i really hope to catch them again too. i was disappointed they didn’t have any music for sale on the merch table, but i figured i would find something online when i got home. i didn’t. still disappointed. 
the evening ended with talking to john, the show host, and waiting for cars behind me to leave, and finally saying goodbye to zach and getting a final hug which was great.
i drove home listening to the mgf tape i had gotten and smiling a lot and replaying the night in my mind. i probably talked out loud to myself a few times too. because i was alone and i was all pumped and i was continuing to drink tea. i got home around 2 am after picking up samuel from a friend’s house on the way. i was on such a music high!! we all talked for awhile then i finally made myself go to bed. i had thought about going to next show of the tour in boone the next night but by morning i knew i was not up for more travel and new places and being awkward.
i hope iji comes back to the east coast again for more great music and dancing, i will totally be there!!!

Tuesday, August 05, 2014


recently sadie and i were talking about internet and personal safety. it was a good talk, but i was left feeling like i had said something off. not a feeling from her, but from myself. i later figured it out, i had said “i trust you” and i had this nagging feeling that there was more that needed said, and so i wrote her this letter. she gave me permission to share it as a blog post.

i’ve been thinking a lot about what it means when someone says “i trust you” and what it feels like when someone says that to you.
on one hand, it can make you feel like the person saying it thinks you don’t do anything they would consider “wrong” and lead to feelings of guilt if you do anything you think they wouldn’t approve of. on the other, it can make you feel good to be trusted. it’s complicated.

i’ve been thinking it’s a thing to not say maybe. i worry it could be misunderstood. like thinking it’s all about “right” or “wrong.”
i worry that by saying “i trust you” that you will start feeling guilty for anything you’ve ever done that you imagine i wouldn’t like…even if you don’t know for sure if i would or not, just that you don’t know or assume. and that now that i said that you will never be able to talk to me about stuff for fear of my not trusting you anymore…or judging you.

when i say “i trust you” i don’t mean that i think you are perfect and would never do anything “wrong.” it means i trust that you have the ability to follow YOUR OWN sense of right and wrong. not mine. or anyone else’s. a lot of kids think that the only thing parents mean when they talk about trust is sex and drugs and alcohol. and that’s part of it. but it’s not the whole picture. i trust that if you have sex or use drugs or alcohol, you are doing so of your own choice. not from peer pressure. that you are curious about how it will feel. that you are making choices from a place of self-awareness and with people you trust not to hurt you or take advantage of you or who will take care of you if you need it. and that you will call me (or dad or your brothers or someone you really trust) if you ever find yourself in a situation where you need to.

but it goes beyond those typical things. i trust that you know yourself, i trust that you can handle your relationships, that you are kind when you can be and gently unkind when you have to be, and when you have moments of thoughtlessness and hurt someone, that you know how to apologize. and mean it. and learn from it. that you make no space in your life for people who would purposely hurt you. that you will know when you need to ask for help and when you can do something on your own. that you can talk to me about anything and i won’t judge you. that you dance when you feel like it and sleep when you want to and eat what you love and smile at puppies and love your life and move through it with confidence and beauty and open arms…

i hope you will always know that my trust in you is about your self-knowledge and not about actions or normal exploration of this amazing life. and that i love you more than i can ever express.Share