Monday, August 30, 2010

memory lane this morning

scotty left for the first day of classes this morning on his bike. he returned within half an hour with a broken chain. he was going to drive to class but i told him i'd take him as he would never find a parking space in time. and i was right. i can't believe the number of cars on campus now. they keep making more parking lots and still there are not enough spaces. what is that about?? when i was going to etsu, it was tough to find spots but there weren't as many cars actually moving about on campus searching for spaces or dropping people off. just seems to be TONS of cars now. it looks like every student has a car. ah well...

so anyway, i got the chance to drive by ball hall, the art building...MEMORIES!! and i saw veda hull walking across the street. that really took me back to the days of art history classes. just so happened that i was listening to some camper van beethoven (telephone free land slide victory) got me thinking about those 4 years i spent as an art student at a university. if i could do it all over again, i would've just gone to an art school. or not gone at all. no, i would've gone...having access to so many types of art, people, and different mediums gave me a chance to explore more than i might've on my own. probably wouldn't be the same person now if not for those experiences.

i don't remember thinking about what i would do in my life...i was very in the moment and didn't have any visions of being a professional artist. i thought i'd just work at kinko's forever and do art on the side i guess...i really can't remember.

as i'm writing this i'm listening to a bob mould song that i pulled up because it came into my mind after reading a facebook post that mentioned husker du...and it's funny how it just fits with this moment...

Listen, there's music in the air
I heard your voice, coming from somewhere
But look how much we've grown
I guess i should have known

As the years go by, they take their toll on you
Think of all the things we wanted to do
And all the words we said yesterday
That's a long time ago
You didn't think i'd really go, now
Are you waiting? (i know why)
You're already saying goodbye
Are you ready? (i know why)

I see a little light, i know you will
I can see it in your eyes, i know you still care
But if you want me to go
You should just say so

there is no real point to this post...just meandering thoughts from this morning. no revelations. no insights. just my brain. on display. like it used to be.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

the wheel

it goes 'round and 'round...

yesterday, scotty and i went yardsaling on the tree streets. it's an annual ginormous yard sale that goes on for several blocks and several streets. we went by ourselves. it was relaxing and spontaneous. we hadn't even made plans to go until that morning. we held hands and walked and talked. we bought things we needed and didn't need. normal. everyday. marriage. just being in the moment together.

it seems more lately than ever that we sometimes forget to just be with each other. we get into our own things and forget to connect, to really, truly connect. after 16 years together, i think we just have to try harder. i don't really know, this isn't about knowing. i've never really blogged about knowing anything. i usually just ponder. that's what i do.

i've spent the last 15 years trying to be a good mom, re-wiring my brain to let go of the things i learned growing up so that i could be the mom i knew i was meant to be. somewhere along the way i think i got it down pretty well. but recently, i've been feeling like i need to start with a clean slate for being a good partner as well. not that i've been a bad one, but there are so many things i get wrong or don't understand or just resist when it comes to relationships. things, again, that i learned from my past.

i've been looking at all the helpful one-liners that were easy reminders for how to parent well and seeing them as also very useful for how to partner well. things like "would you treat a stranger how you just treated your child?" or "would you talk to your partner the way you talk to your child?" the sort of questions in the parenting books that i really liked that dealt with respect and leaving dignity intact. scotty and i both had to learn these things to be the parents we wanted to be.

these same things came so naturally a long time ago when we were just getting to know each other. somehow the years make us less considerate and careful of our words. i'm not saying we are not good to each other. because we are. i think we just forget.

so i'm working on remembering. changing habits. that's a hard thing to do. but so was changing the things i knew about parenting and the knee-jerk reactions that came along with them.

getting back to really listening, not judging, being engaged, more patient and kind.

sounds simple enough...right??