the fence

i'm at an exciting and peaceful place in my life.

i am looking forward, into a journey i am about to take. carefully packing my bags. getting prepared. eagerly but patiently anticipating the changes. and for the first time in my parenting life i'm not mourning the passing of time.

i'm the mom of 3 teens (well one is a young adult). all of them growing up so quickly and finding their own unique form of independence. but i'm still in the process of "raising" them...in whatever capacity i'm needed as it changes so frequently as they grow. over the years i've had more than a few occasions of wanting to stop the clock. to just keep them in that moment for a little longer. and i've wanted to stop that clock for myself as well.

but here i am. in my early forties. ready to move forward. no more stopping. no more regretting what i have or have not done. no more feeling like time is running out. or trying to figure out what the frikkin point is to whatever it is i'm doing. having the clearest vision i've ever had about what i want my life to look like in the next few years. readysetgo!!

but wait...

also for the first time, i'm having a vision that doesn't include being a mom. at least not 100% like i'm used to. and i'm okay with this in a way i never would have been before. when the kids were young, fantasies of a life where i'm solely focused on my desires was more about escape and a serious need for a break (that i wouldn't give myself for years and years to come) than it was a true and proper vision.

now? well, it's at a time when gradually working towards a vision of a future where my kids will more than likely be on their own is a reality. it's about taking my head out of the sands of time-stopping and relishing the possibilities. without guilt. because it's still a few years off and i'm just slowly getting ready. i don't want to wait until i'm standing in an empty house wondering where everyone went and what to do now.

i find myself straddling a fence with a foot planted firmly on either side. on one, i'm doing many things i love while still being available for my family, spending time together and enjoying the now. on the other, i'm putting in the foundation of a life that i want when my kids have their own lives apart from me (a journey they each started some time ago).

some days i feel the pull of one foot or the other trying to jump the fence. the foot in the now wanting to hurry over to the side where things are new and full of different experiences. the foot in the future wanting to sneak back to the safety of what is familiar. in the past i might have looked at either of those times and called them fear, weakness...running away. now i know they are part of the journey. part of learning who i am and what i want. not judging or resisting. continuing to move forward with whatever each day needs. and being okay with myself and my life. embracing what is. and doing so with hopeful (instead of terrified) feelings for the future.Share

not enough words

there is this "truth" that has formed in my mind over the years. years that take up the better part of my life. it is based on a specific set of beliefs i had about myself. those beliefs are that i do not know how to make friends...and when/if i do, i can't keep them. also, that i am unlikeable and easily forgettable, socially dysfunctional and awkward (okay, those last 2 are probably pretty true). but in the past few months, those beliefs have been changing. i've been becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin...making peace with who i am and where i am. i feel like i've had this feeling before, this personal growth. and maybe i have, maybe we have these moments over and over and each time there's something new to learn and/or relearn.

on wednesday, i had the most profound moment. a feeling of happiness and peace and satisfaction came over me. that and the feeling of being surrounded by love and friendship. we had friends in from charleston since sunday, having a wonderful time just hanging out and being ourselves together. then wednesday was scotty's birthday and we had more friends over for a potluck and acoustic jam in the backyard. it was a rainy rainy day, but it let up just long enough for our party and then when it was over, it rained again. yes, CG, i think you were right when you said once that the universe loves me. so, just as everyone was settling in and starting to talk and eat, this feeling came over me. i teared up a bit, got that little catch in my chest. it felt good. i'm having it again right now =). i got to hear little tyler play his fiddle again and hear heather for the first time!! mostly, it was heather and scotty playing. although he has never really played in front of people, so he had a hard time getting comfortable...but it was good for him. and he and heather talked about playing together again so he could learn some of her songs and be better at accompaniment (is that a word?). everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, talking, singing, eating, kids running and playing, it was really wonderful. i just sat back in awe.

what ever made me think that my world was so small? that i was so terribly incapable of having people in my life that might actually care about me. i'm just so used to there being so few people that i let in. i keep people at a distance, i always have. but i've been learning to not do that so much, to just let go.

so i've had a very full full week of friendship and it feels good. after my trip to charleston and florida, i thought i had made the most growth possible...but apparently, there was still more to learn. i'm sure there's even more still.

pix with our friends, jess, aron, genevieve, and aurora:

pix of the party:

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