Friday, July 11, 2008

not enough words

there is this "truth" that has formed in my mind over the years. years that take up the better part of my life. it is based on a specific set of beliefs i had about myself. those beliefs are that i do not know how to make friends...and when/if i do, i can't keep them. also, that i am unlikeable and easily forgettable, socially dysfunctional and awkward (okay, those last 2 are probably pretty true). but in the past few months, those beliefs have been changing. i've been becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin...making peace with who i am and where i am. i feel like i've had this feeling before, this personal growth. and maybe i have, maybe we have these moments over and over and each time there's something new to learn and/or relearn.

on wednesday, i had the most profound moment. a feeling of happiness and peace and satisfaction came over me. that and the feeling of being surrounded by love and friendship. we had friends in from charleston since sunday, having a wonderful time just hanging out and being ourselves together. then wednesday was scotty's birthday and we had more friends over for a potluck and acoustic jam in the backyard. it was a rainy rainy day, but it let up just long enough for our party and then when it was over, it rained again. yes, CG, i think you were right when you said once that the universe loves me. so, just as everyone was settling in and starting to talk and eat, this feeling came over me. i teared up a bit, got that little catch in my chest. it felt good. i'm having it again right now =). i got to hear little tyler play his fiddle again and hear heather for the first time!! mostly, it was heather and scotty playing. although he has never really played in front of people, so he had a hard time getting comfortable...but it was good for him. and he and heather talked about playing together again so he could learn some of her songs and be better at accompaniment (is that a word?). everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, talking, singing, eating, kids running and playing, it was really wonderful. i just sat back in awe.

what ever made me think that my world was so small? that i was so terribly incapable of having people in my life that might actually care about me. i'm just so used to there being so few people that i let in. i keep people at a distance, i always have. but i've been learning to not do that so much, to just let go.

so i've had a very full full week of friendship and it feels good. after my trip to charleston and florida, i thought i had made the most growth possible...but apparently, there was still more to learn. i'm sure there's even more still.

pix with our friends, jess, aron, genevieve, and aurora:

pix of the party:



Ren said...

It says your slideshows are "empty"?? I think it must be wrong.:)

I'm always confounded when people I deem uber-talented or uber-fun and sparkly have some sort of fears or question themselves.

You're one of those rare people I feel in love with instantly and can't imagine not having in my life for always.

Ren said...

That should have read "fell in love with"'d think I was feeling you up or something.;)

And I finally saw the pictures. Very fun!:) Thanks again for having us.