last night i had the worst school dream i think i've ever had. i was myself but i was also a kid and i was not my kids' mom anymore but their sister. and we had decided to go to school. we had never been to school before and we were nervous. but in my mind somewhere i knew that i had been to school before but i knew i wasn't really me anymore. i was sitting at a table with pam horton and mary montgomery and all the other people around me were people from high school, but i couldn't tell you who exactly now. there was a test being passed out and we had to share the question sheet. i kept reading it and trying to understand what it was asking but i couldn't and i asked mary and pam and they said they couldn't talk. i tried answering it on my paper and couldn't write. i started panicking. i kept trying to understand the question and talking it out but then the teacher came and we all got in trouble. mary and pam were so mad at me. everyone was mad at me and they were all looking at me and talking about me and how stupid i was. i started to cry but held it back. and then my chest started hurting. i left the classroom. i started leaving and as i was leaving i found samuel and he was leaving too. and then sadie was leaving. we passed silas and he was playing with some kids and wasn't upset at all, but he left with us anyway. my chest kept hurting and i finally started crying and it kept hurting until i fell on the ground and couldn't breathe and it just hurt so bad. i was able to eventually get up and we kept walking home. we came to a river with a bridge over it. the bus was coming and it wasn't going to stop for us and kids were pointing at us from the bus. so we went to the river and looked down. and then we all jumped in. i remember being worried about sadie, but then we were okay and we swam across and it took forever to get to the other side. and then we went home and i was hurting so bad that i could feel i was starting to wake up from it. when we got home, MY mom was our mom and that startled me so much that i woke up. and my chest still hurt. and i still feel like i can't take a really good deep breath.
i woke to find a wonderful text from my friend jana. just a beautiful affirmation kind of out of the blue text. it helped me to wake up from the freakiness of that dream and i wrote back to simply say thanks but found myself in a halfsleep telling her about what i've been feeling: "i have been in a very isolated space lately and most everything i do right now is obligation. i am trying to heal something deep and learning to take the time to do it is hard. i am blessed with amazing women like you in my life who accept me for just me. trying not to feel like i have to be more than that is hard. thank you for reminding me of what IS." the thing is, nothing about my life right now is hard, but there are things that i try to work through while also navigating this amazing, very full and happy life and that can be daunting.
i can't help but feel that this dream was telling me that i am on the right path...no matter how hard it is. i am trying to walk away from ways that no longer serve me. a few years ago i got sort of shell shocked by someone and it caused me to build a callous, to lose my carefreeness and to be more cynical than i have ever been in my life. so i started reading about taoism again, this has helped me start to unearth my authentic pooh-like self. i know that i have let go of a lot of that old hurt, but in many ways i still carry it around and it is terribly heavy. a weight in my chest. it skewed my vision of everyone around me and i lost a lot of the progress i had made towards embracing friendship after so many years of pushing it away.
wow, i can take a deep breath now. that feels really good.Share
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
i am an island...or am i?
years and years ago, i very neatly closed myself off from the rest of the world. i found it a much safer place to be, the cocoon of just my husband and kids. every once in awhile i would meet someone that spoke to my heart and i would let them in. sometimes this worked out, sometimes it didn't. but it started the opening. occasionally it would also close me right back up and convince me that my original path was the best for me. i was sure i didn't know how to do this friendship thing. and i was okay with that. i thought i didn't need anyone. then we moved back to tennessee and i renewed some old friendships and found some new ones. it's been a wild ride. and i thought i was done with my old ways of shutting down and shutting out. but the last 9 months have reminded me that i am still not really any different than i was before. i find these waters still near impossible to navigate. i find myself wanting to check out again. keeping only a tiny fistful of people in my life, letting go of all the rest. i feel the old anxieties coming back. the physical tightness and uncertainty. i'm feeling it right now. i guess that's why i'm writing this. maybe if i get it outside of my head it will help. i don't know. i just don't know.
i did some art yesterday...for the first time in forever i actually felt like it. i ended up not really liking what i'd done. but today, i'm going to do more of it anyway. i also worked in the newly tilled area in our backyard yesterday and felt completely inadequate for the task i want to undertake. but today, i'm going to do more of it anyway.
i did some art yesterday...for the first time in forever i actually felt like it. i ended up not really liking what i'd done. but today, i'm going to do more of it anyway. i also worked in the newly tilled area in our backyard yesterday and felt completely inadequate for the task i want to undertake. but today, i'm going to do more of it anyway.
work in progress
scotty tilling the back yard. there are no pix of me doing this because i did not do any of this. i am simply the cleaner upper...hauling all the grass and weed clumps a zillion times up and down the yard and then mixing in some compost and such when i'm done.
what else have we been doing?:
picking strawberries
my niece, alisha, graduated so we spent a long weekend with family just hanging out...
samuel sewing wesley's pants for him...with red thread (or was it pink?) in the crotch, nice!
my mom and dad
beth with everyone
camping...at carden's bluff on watauga lake. i put up the tent before scotty got there! he left the house on his bike before us and got there later.
the view from our site
oooh it's cooold
scotty was so hot from his ride that he jumped right in with his riding clothes on...get cooled off and wash your sweaty clothes all at once!!
sadie washing dishes
the boys swam to this cool little cove under the edge of the cliff
me and scotty at the swimming area (shook branch) where we did not go again after sadie realized she was brave enough to swim in the deep water by our site
me and my girl
the boys spent hours swimming with huge fallen trees...what a work out!!
roasting veggie dogs...oh my stomach!!
and other stuff...
spinach and lettuce
one of the volunteer tomatoes looking happy
my bush beans (they have buds since this was taken)
a handful of wild berries
and finally, my clean desk (well, it's got stuff on it now because i'm USING it, there is no before picture because that would be too embarrassing)
we also went to asheville last week (the day after camping!) to spend some time with alice, rachel, & jake. we went to the free day at the museum!! and then spent the night! we had a great time with them, of course!! oh yeah, we took sierra, karina, and taylor with us too!!
saturday we went to the blue plum festival. we had a few extra kids, sierra and jalen, that i dragged around with us for hours, watched the animation festival and then killed time drinking slushees and looking at arts and crafts, playing on church walls and playgrounds, playing cornhole (yes that is really what it's called!), and meandering around downtown exploring...just waiting for CUTTHROAT SHAMROCK to start playing! ren met up with us during the concert and we danced, danced, danced. then she took us out to eat at burger king. awesome day!
my dad came over on sunday and fixed the kitchen sink AND the bathroom sink! it was actually quite satisfying to finally get it done and to help a little too =). thanks dad!!!
then there was the tilling and desk cleaning on monday...full circle. the end.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
a once-quiet life
okay, so i owe the blog world this post. i promise that i have really not abandoned my blog in favor of facebook no matter what anyone says!!! =)
i wanted to just catch up our last few weeks of fun and friendship. i last left off with a birthday party on april 25th. so let's see where we've been and what we've done since then...
the following monday, we took a quiet little family trip out to the laurels. scotty had forgotten how to get there and so we drove around for quite some time and nearly went to roan mountain. silas got car sick. we stopped long enough for him to feel better and for scotty to get reoriented and took a vote to see if everyone still wanted to try to find the place. they did and so we hit the road again and took the old reliable way he knew from way back instead of the "new" way he had just tried (not that we didn't enjoy the ride to "nowhere", we got to see new places and enjoy the beautiful day). we finally got there and pulled out our picnic stuff. hungry hungry hungry were we. the little creek is still nice and they have great picnic spots. it was relaxing to just hang out under the trees and enjoy being outside without freezing after such a long winter. there were a few stray dogs the kids played with and some people who left a bunch of trash in the creek that i picked up (the trash, not the people), the bathrooms were gross as many mountain park bathrooms can be, but they were usable. we only stayed a few hours before heading home all tired and happy (we seem to end a lot of days that way).
tuesday was an sofh picnic at the park day. we went to festival plaza at winged deer for some sunshine and playing in the water. and getting sunburned!!! nearly 2 weeks later, i'm still itching and my nose is just about healed! lots of our friends were there to talk and play with all afternoon. scotty even came out to play with us for awhile before heading home to meet up with bleu for a bike ride. i think we found our way home around 5ish where i found bleu and scotty all sweaty on the porch!! later, i cooked up some homemade pizzas for supper and then we got ready to watch fringe. just after it started, austin and the kids showed up to say hi. everyone was excited and jumpy! i love these mini-reunions when taylor and karina come back to town after being gone for a month. we all watched fringe together and talked during the short commercial breaks. it was the funniest thing shooshing each other during the show, trying to contain a month's worth of stories and then when the breaks came i said "okay, go!!" and everyone started chattering and catching up. too funny!!
wednesday was sierra star's 12th birthday!! let's just say we spent the day on a total sugar high!!! she had a cotton candy machine and a slushy machine going!! by the time we sang happy birthday and cut the cake, we had several kids simply not interested in cake and ice cream! they were actually standing next to the stove watching the timer for the rice and bean bake ren had put in for supper...while their cake sat uneaten. it was hilarious!! ren said..."hey you kids, no food until you eat your cake!!" they just looked at her with sugar-glazed eyes and asked "when will the food be done!?" but don't they know that if you let kids make their own choices they'll always choose sugar and junk food...didn't these kids get the memo on that one!!!?? it was a long, long day that also included sparklers!! so what more can you ask for?? oh i'm sure i've forgotten something...so just enjoy the slideshow!
on thursday, i finally hosted my first imagination tribe gathering!! we had so much fun...with friends, food, and art, how can you NOT?? beth brought blown out eggs at austin's request, deanna brought sticks to decorate so that when we beat each other with them, they might at least be spectacular looking! what a night!
friday i did some much needed gardening and getting ready for the big birthday party on monday. also trying not to spaz about what the house looks like as we are having lots of guests in from out of town. i've been noticing lots of volunteers in the garden, watermelon and jalapenos seem to be everywhere as well as some possibly tomato looking ones as well that i'm leaving alone until i know for sure. 
friday was also "first friday", which is a monthly art and music festival downtown where they close off the streets and let the fun begin!! may is the best because the weather is just right!! we met up with friends and had a great time dancing in the streets, singing out loud, looking at art, and sampling some good food. the band playing outside the bead shop was amazing...they had a funky surfer slide sound that was all jam!! could NOT stop dancing!! if anyone can remember their name, let me know!!
saturday was all about making cake, cleaning, and getting things ready for the party. in the midst of all this, i took samuel and silas to the comic shop for "free comic book day" where samuel was a guest artist AND he sold 5 of his comics!! they had a lot of fun hanging out and meeting some other artists and comic book fans. sadie and i went grocery shopping while they were there and when we picked them up, we got our free comics too!! it was very cool!!
sunday was for finishing up any loose ends for the party and welcoming mindy and kelly to our home! we pretty much hung out in the kitchen all afternoon talking and making sure kids were fed. it was really nice to have NEW people here!
monday was party day!!! it is really a blur at this point but i'll tell you we had a lot of people (58 was the final count) at austin's house to celebrate the birthdays of 5 special kids - samuel, karina, sierra, kyra, & sadie (who are the ones responsible for coming up with this idea of a combined birthday btw, bless them)!! the day started out with getting kids awake, making kabetori, and finishing up sadie's cake. then the traaseths, allens, & finally the aycocks got here and after awhile it was just a matter of getting us all to austin's in one piece and having a great time. almost all the kids stayed at austin's house for a sleepover. scotty and alice stayed as the chaperones while everyone else went safely back home or to hotel rooms. not a lot of sleep happened...until the next day!
on tuesday, i woke up to find a cardinal nest outside our kitchen window, it's been cool to watch the momma on her nest and the daddy come feed her sometimes (i remember when scotty fed me while i was nursing). anyway, we had lots of back and forth between our house and austin's that afternoon, saying our goodbyes and hanging out and eating and getting ready for sadie's sleepover. in the midst of the after-party glow, kelly bought one of my paintings and scotty went to fetch it for her before she headed back to columbia. thank you kelly, you made my day!! there were tons of kids at the house all evening but only a handful (iris, audrey, and karina) decided to stay for the actual sleeping part (and the watching of fringe, of course!). most of them stayed up almost all night, but in the morning everyone was able to scream "happy birthday" to sadie!!
on wednesday, sierra, taylor and the traaseths rejoined the party and hung out for awhile until it was time for the traaseths to head back to georgia! after some sad goodbyes, i took samuel, silas, sadie, sierra, karina, and taylor out shopping because we had some serious holes burning in some birthday pockets! samuel got a great deal on guitar hero 3 for the wii and a used guitar. he was super excited! that was my first day playing any of these types of games. and i did it right there for the whole world to see me at best buy!! we sort of all took over that section of the store while a storm brewed outside. we braved the rain to run to the car and headed over to target where sadie eventually decided to save her money for another day. the rest of the day was all about playing guitar hero!!
thursday was samuel's birthday as well as the sofh hang out day. everyone was tired but said they wanted to get up and go and so we did. but because of the tiredness we only stayed a few hours before leaving and doing some quick grocery shopping. colin came over later and barb and i got to hang out for a bit talking...just a little quiet, mom-bonding time. later we had a really enjoyable summer supper on the porch. oh yeah, then we watched bones and played more guitar hero!!
friday was pretty quiet, laundry, a little shopping and library and then home again in time to get clothes off the line before some rain came. sheeew!! mostly a day of just hanging out...and yeah more guitar hero...while i worked on some art in my room, finally!!!
saturday (yesterday!) karina and taylor came over and hung out while i worked on making cakes for our family birthday/mother's day get together that evening. we went to my sister paula's house around 5 and had a cookout and gift exchange and cake and playing MORE guitar hero! a little after 9, me, paula, diana, & doug went to the kitchen to play a fun card game that i can't remember the name of now, 9 holes or something. by the time we were done it was going on 11 and the kids and i headed home. i was ready for bed, so sadie and i went upstairs and read a little before falling asleep. the end!!! well sort of...there's still tonight, but that will have to blogged about later =)
Share
i wanted to just catch up our last few weeks of fun and friendship. i last left off with a birthday party on april 25th. so let's see where we've been and what we've done since then...
the following monday, we took a quiet little family trip out to the laurels. scotty had forgotten how to get there and so we drove around for quite some time and nearly went to roan mountain. silas got car sick. we stopped long enough for him to feel better and for scotty to get reoriented and took a vote to see if everyone still wanted to try to find the place. they did and so we hit the road again and took the old reliable way he knew from way back instead of the "new" way he had just tried (not that we didn't enjoy the ride to "nowhere", we got to see new places and enjoy the beautiful day). we finally got there and pulled out our picnic stuff. hungry hungry hungry were we. the little creek is still nice and they have great picnic spots. it was relaxing to just hang out under the trees and enjoy being outside without freezing after such a long winter. there were a few stray dogs the kids played with and some people who left a bunch of trash in the creek that i picked up (the trash, not the people), the bathrooms were gross as many mountain park bathrooms can be, but they were usable. we only stayed a few hours before heading home all tired and happy (we seem to end a lot of days that way).
tuesday was an sofh picnic at the park day. we went to festival plaza at winged deer for some sunshine and playing in the water. and getting sunburned!!! nearly 2 weeks later, i'm still itching and my nose is just about healed! lots of our friends were there to talk and play with all afternoon. scotty even came out to play with us for awhile before heading home to meet up with bleu for a bike ride. i think we found our way home around 5ish where i found bleu and scotty all sweaty on the porch!! later, i cooked up some homemade pizzas for supper and then we got ready to watch fringe. just after it started, austin and the kids showed up to say hi. everyone was excited and jumpy! i love these mini-reunions when taylor and karina come back to town after being gone for a month. we all watched fringe together and talked during the short commercial breaks. it was the funniest thing shooshing each other during the show, trying to contain a month's worth of stories and then when the breaks came i said "okay, go!!" and everyone started chattering and catching up. too funny!!
wednesday was sierra star's 12th birthday!! let's just say we spent the day on a total sugar high!!! she had a cotton candy machine and a slushy machine going!! by the time we sang happy birthday and cut the cake, we had several kids simply not interested in cake and ice cream! they were actually standing next to the stove watching the timer for the rice and bean bake ren had put in for supper...while their cake sat uneaten. it was hilarious!! ren said..."hey you kids, no food until you eat your cake!!" they just looked at her with sugar-glazed eyes and asked "when will the food be done!?" but don't they know that if you let kids make their own choices they'll always choose sugar and junk food...didn't these kids get the memo on that one!!!?? it was a long, long day that also included sparklers!! so what more can you ask for?? oh i'm sure i've forgotten something...so just enjoy the slideshow!
on thursday, i finally hosted my first imagination tribe gathering!! we had so much fun...with friends, food, and art, how can you NOT?? beth brought blown out eggs at austin's request, deanna brought sticks to decorate so that when we beat each other with them, they might at least be spectacular looking! what a night!
friday i did some much needed gardening and getting ready for the big birthday party on monday. also trying not to spaz about what the house looks like as we are having lots of guests in from out of town. i've been noticing lots of volunteers in the garden, watermelon and jalapenos seem to be everywhere as well as some possibly tomato looking ones as well that i'm leaving alone until i know for sure.
friday was also "first friday", which is a monthly art and music festival downtown where they close off the streets and let the fun begin!! may is the best because the weather is just right!! we met up with friends and had a great time dancing in the streets, singing out loud, looking at art, and sampling some good food. the band playing outside the bead shop was amazing...they had a funky surfer slide sound that was all jam!! could NOT stop dancing!! if anyone can remember their name, let me know!!
saturday was all about making cake, cleaning, and getting things ready for the party. in the midst of all this, i took samuel and silas to the comic shop for "free comic book day" where samuel was a guest artist AND he sold 5 of his comics!! they had a lot of fun hanging out and meeting some other artists and comic book fans. sadie and i went grocery shopping while they were there and when we picked them up, we got our free comics too!! it was very cool!!
sunday was for finishing up any loose ends for the party and welcoming mindy and kelly to our home! we pretty much hung out in the kitchen all afternoon talking and making sure kids were fed. it was really nice to have NEW people here!
monday was party day!!! it is really a blur at this point but i'll tell you we had a lot of people (58 was the final count) at austin's house to celebrate the birthdays of 5 special kids - samuel, karina, sierra, kyra, & sadie (who are the ones responsible for coming up with this idea of a combined birthday btw, bless them)!! the day started out with getting kids awake, making kabetori, and finishing up sadie's cake. then the traaseths, allens, & finally the aycocks got here and after awhile it was just a matter of getting us all to austin's in one piece and having a great time. almost all the kids stayed at austin's house for a sleepover. scotty and alice stayed as the chaperones while everyone else went safely back home or to hotel rooms. not a lot of sleep happened...until the next day!
on tuesday, i woke up to find a cardinal nest outside our kitchen window, it's been cool to watch the momma on her nest and the daddy come feed her sometimes (i remember when scotty fed me while i was nursing). anyway, we had lots of back and forth between our house and austin's that afternoon, saying our goodbyes and hanging out and eating and getting ready for sadie's sleepover. in the midst of the after-party glow, kelly bought one of my paintings and scotty went to fetch it for her before she headed back to columbia. thank you kelly, you made my day!! there were tons of kids at the house all evening but only a handful (iris, audrey, and karina) decided to stay for the actual sleeping part (and the watching of fringe, of course!). most of them stayed up almost all night, but in the morning everyone was able to scream "happy birthday" to sadie!!
on wednesday, sierra, taylor and the traaseths rejoined the party and hung out for awhile until it was time for the traaseths to head back to georgia! after some sad goodbyes, i took samuel, silas, sadie, sierra, karina, and taylor out shopping because we had some serious holes burning in some birthday pockets! samuel got a great deal on guitar hero 3 for the wii and a used guitar. he was super excited! that was my first day playing any of these types of games. and i did it right there for the whole world to see me at best buy!! we sort of all took over that section of the store while a storm brewed outside. we braved the rain to run to the car and headed over to target where sadie eventually decided to save her money for another day. the rest of the day was all about playing guitar hero!!
thursday was samuel's birthday as well as the sofh hang out day. everyone was tired but said they wanted to get up and go and so we did. but because of the tiredness we only stayed a few hours before leaving and doing some quick grocery shopping. colin came over later and barb and i got to hang out for a bit talking...just a little quiet, mom-bonding time. later we had a really enjoyable summer supper on the porch. oh yeah, then we watched bones and played more guitar hero!!
friday was pretty quiet, laundry, a little shopping and library and then home again in time to get clothes off the line before some rain came. sheeew!! mostly a day of just hanging out...and yeah more guitar hero...while i worked on some art in my room, finally!!!
saturday (yesterday!) karina and taylor came over and hung out while i worked on making cakes for our family birthday/mother's day get together that evening. we went to my sister paula's house around 5 and had a cookout and gift exchange and cake and playing MORE guitar hero! a little after 9, me, paula, diana, & doug went to the kitchen to play a fun card game that i can't remember the name of now, 9 holes or something. by the time we were done it was going on 11 and the kids and i headed home. i was ready for bed, so sadie and i went upstairs and read a little before falling asleep. the end!!! well sort of...there's still tonight, but that will have to blogged about later =)
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
spring 2009 ARGH
i should really be in bed...really...i'm sick, again, and really need to rest but i can't seem to make myself do it. i have so much to blog about and i don't want to get behind because then i will never ever get to it. so here goes:
the spring ARGH was amazing!! we went to roan mountain again and had the best time! there was a lot of reconnecting with friends and making new connections; kids screaming and running to greet each new arrival...and it brought tears to my eyes seeing how happy they are with this group of people that have become the core of our unschooling world of friends. what did we do all weekend? well, there was a lot of simply hanging out really. that's what is so wonderful about these gatherings, no pressure to attend a lot of activities (unless you want to). it's very laid back and relaxed. sometimes i might find myself in a cabin playing bananagrams with several other people (while trying not to fall asleep). or walking from cabin to cabin bringing snacks to hungry kids. or driving to the conference center to check out what activities were going on over there and talking and laughing and um, well, hanging out. like i said, that is really the essence of this gathering, "just" hanging out!! there were tons of nerf wars going on at almost any given time, movie watching in the old restaurant building, ATC making in ren's cabin, henna at the conference center, video games at the hangout cabin, tea parties, game parties, dress up parties, just about anything if someone was willing to host it. there was also a delicious potluck followed by a fantastic talent show...what more could you ask for??
we went away with a happy feeling after saying our goodbyes just knowing that in 8 short months we would be up there for the fall gathering to do it all over again!!
Share
the spring ARGH was amazing!! we went to roan mountain again and had the best time! there was a lot of reconnecting with friends and making new connections; kids screaming and running to greet each new arrival...and it brought tears to my eyes seeing how happy they are with this group of people that have become the core of our unschooling world of friends. what did we do all weekend? well, there was a lot of simply hanging out really. that's what is so wonderful about these gatherings, no pressure to attend a lot of activities (unless you want to). it's very laid back and relaxed. sometimes i might find myself in a cabin playing bananagrams with several other people (while trying not to fall asleep). or walking from cabin to cabin bringing snacks to hungry kids. or driving to the conference center to check out what activities were going on over there and talking and laughing and um, well, hanging out. like i said, that is really the essence of this gathering, "just" hanging out!! there were tons of nerf wars going on at almost any given time, movie watching in the old restaurant building, ATC making in ren's cabin, henna at the conference center, video games at the hangout cabin, tea parties, game parties, dress up parties, just about anything if someone was willing to host it. there was also a delicious potluck followed by a fantastic talent show...what more could you ask for??
we went away with a happy feeling after saying our goodbyes just knowing that in 8 short months we would be up there for the fall gathering to do it all over again!!
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