Wednesday, June 10, 2009

i am an island...or am i?

years and years ago, i very neatly closed myself off from the rest of the world. i found it a much safer place to be, the cocoon of just my husband and kids. every once in awhile i would meet someone that spoke to my heart and i would let them in. sometimes this worked out, sometimes it didn't. but it started the opening. occasionally it would also close me right back up and convince me that my original path was the best for me. i was sure i didn't know how to do this friendship thing. and i was okay with that. i thought i didn't need anyone. then we moved back to tennessee and i renewed some old friendships and found some new ones. it's been a wild ride. and i thought i was done with my old ways of shutting down and shutting out. but the last 9 months have reminded me that i am still not really any different than i was before. i find these waters still near impossible to navigate. i find myself wanting to check out again. keeping only a tiny fistful of people in my life, letting go of all the rest. i feel the old anxieties coming back. the physical tightness and uncertainty. i'm feeling it right now. i guess that's why i'm writing this. maybe if i get it outside of my head it will help. i don't know. i just don't know.

i did some art yesterday...for the first time in forever i actually felt like it. i ended up not really liking what i'd done. but today, i'm going to do more of it anyway. i also worked in the newly tilled area in our backyard yesterday and felt completely inadequate for the task i want to undertake. but today, i'm going to do more of it anyway.

work in progress

scotty tilling the back yard. there are no pix of me doing this because i did not do any of this. i am simply the cleaner upper...hauling all the grass and weed clumps a zillion times up and down the yard and then mixing in some compost and such when i'm done.

what else have we been doing?:

picking strawberries

my niece, alisha, graduated so we spent a long weekend with family just hanging out...
samuel sewing wesley's pants for him...with red thread (or was it pink?) in the crotch, nice!
my mom and dad
beth with everyone carden's bluff on watauga lake. i put up the tent before scotty got there! he left the house on his bike before us and got there later. the view from our site
oooh it's cooold
scotty was so hot from his ride that he jumped right in with his riding clothes on...get cooled off and wash your sweaty clothes all at once!!
sadie washing dishes
the boys swam to this cool little cove under the edge of the cliff
me and scotty at the swimming area (shook branch) where we did not go again after sadie realized she was brave enough to swim in the deep water by our site
me and my girl
the boys spent hours swimming with huge fallen trees...what a work out!!
roasting veggie dogs...oh my stomach!!

and other stuff...

spinach and lettuce

one of the volunteer tomatoes looking happy

my bush beans (they have buds since this was taken)

a handful of wild berries

and finally, my clean desk (well, it's got stuff on it now because i'm USING it, there is no before picture because that would be too embarrassing)

we also went to asheville last week (the day after camping!) to spend some time with alice, rachel, & jake. we went to the free day at the museum!! and then spent the night! we had a great time with them, of course!! oh yeah, we took sierra, karina, and taylor with us too!!

saturday we went to the blue plum festival. we had a few extra kids, sierra and jalen, that i dragged around with us for hours, watched the animation festival and then killed time drinking slushees and looking at arts and crafts, playing on church walls and playgrounds, playing cornhole (yes that is really what it's called!), and meandering around downtown exploring...just waiting for CUTTHROAT SHAMROCK to start playing! ren met up with us during the concert and we danced, danced, danced. then she took us out to eat at burger king. awesome day!

my dad came over on sunday and fixed the kitchen sink AND the bathroom sink! it was actually quite satisfying to finally get it done and to help a little too =). thanks dad!!!

then there was the tilling and desk cleaning on monday...full circle. the end.



Ren said...

Heck, even the social butterflies feel that need to pull back, to go within and hide from the world....but you know that already.:)

I'm glad you're one of the people I "pull back" with. Like life, relationships are sometimes messy.

Pam Genant said...

I know that feeling, I tend to pull back a lot, and rely on established relationships, staying away from anything new and unknown. Love the artwork!!

Patti said...

I love your blog...I am the same. Island is a great analogy. I'll never stop trying to be more open, even though I haven't been that successful so far. I think there are so many like us, they just hide it better.

Have peace knowing you are not alone : )

gail said...

I love this whole blogpost, Laura and can really relate to what you're feeling. The pictures are beautiful and it's so nice to see what you all are up to.....I love love love the picture of you and Sadie...just gorgeous...both of you.

kelli said...

I'm with ya sistah! On lots of your island stuff ;) I'm so glad I've had the opportunity to get to know you and your family.

The camping pics look like so much fun! Swimming in a cool lake, sounds perfect to me right now.. help, 85+ degree days is too much for me!
And... I love the new artwork! Really!

Madeline said...

Me too. In stages. Maybe it is everyone, because I think of you as being so much more open to lots of social activity than most. I am so happy for you that you felt like doing art again. It's beautiful.

cheryl said...

i have a hard time getting closer to more than one person at a time. i'm having a hard time letting other apprentices into our midwifery practice. brian asked if didn't i tell my preceptor what an extreme monogamist i am.

i am so grateful for the time we spent together when we were both in jc laura. and now i keep thinking how extremely grateful i am that you are still in my life.

your camping trip looks awesome. i am feeling inadequate to take that on with my family. but we did manage to get our tent up for a group homeschooling campout in someone's yard.

WonderSoul said...

Hey sweetie, you are not the only one that feels that way now and again and it is really OK!

Cardens Bluff is one of our favorite places to camp. Sometimes we stay several days just loving the lake. How bout lets plan a campout there soon?