Friday, August 29, 2008

i have joined the ranks

last night, my littlest babe of only 8 years spent the night with her friend sierra. i was not ready for that. it was her first time. and mine. because, even though she's got 2 older brothers, she's the first to venture out into the sleepover world.

the boys and i were not feeling up to the ATC thing last night and so we needed to leave early. sadie was nowhere near ready to leave, so she asked to stay with sierra. she was unsure if she would be able to stay all night but she wanted to try. and so i let go. but not without a little bit of freaking out. i felt like puking leaving her there. just leaving.

thank goodness heather came over a little after we got home because it helped keep my mind off worrying about sadie. but after she left, the freakout resumed and i called ren's house to see how sadie was doing. she was fine...OF COURSE. of course she was fine. she's so independent. it was bittersweet, to be sure. i got off the phone and cried like a million babies. all the while smiling. my little girl is growing up and away. already. i wanted to be a fly on the wall and watch her bloom without me. to get that peek we always want but know we can never have into their worlds that don't include us.

i went upstairs earlier and, like always, when i got to the top of the stairs i looked into the bedroom to see if sadie was still sleeping. the bed was already made. i had forgotten that i did that first thing this morning, something i never get to do because she is always still sleeping. something about the already made bed made it seem so much sadder.

i will go pick her up later and i'm sure that when i see her face i will know for certain that this is just the beginning.


ckjc said...

wow! i can totally relate. phoenix has done this, but i imagine it will be more intense with my girls, especially the youngest. i was just watching sol sleep this morning and feeling sad that she won't be a baby forever. some would argue that at 2 she is already no longer a baby. that is probably true.

laura said...

it is not true at all!!! i have always felt like a 2 year old is still very much a baby. it's just that when you have another baby when they are 2 or 2.5, they suddenly seem so big. that last baby though never gets to have that comparison and so it is so much harder to see when they aren't that baby anymore...somewhere around 5 i think =)

Ren said...

I still see Jalen's chubby part under his chin and see some of that "baby" in him. The youngest getsto stay your wee person forever in many ways!

I kept checking with the girls to see if Sadie was having ANY reservations at all about wanting to go home...but she WAS fine.:) When I popped my head in the room at 4am to make sure, they looked at me like "duh, of course we're ok!!"

Ren said...

Oh, and I have to say thank you for working through your own hesitation and not putting it on your kiddo because she's a total joy to have around and Sierra is SO happy to have a sister-friend like Sadie!:) Thank you, thank you!!

I love that she has some local gurls as part of her tribe now. So special.

Kass said...

I love your HONESTY. Letting go is so hard for mamas. Be proud of yourself for giving her space to move her limbs and breathe and grow.

ashleighbunn said...

oh geez - loki is only 5 mos old and while i'm reveling in the splendor of my first child - these are the concerns that creep slowly into my mind as i watch him sleeping late at night - you mean, i can't keep him this small forever?!!! thanks so much for sharing! this whole cycle of life thing is a strange, wonderfully happy, sad and exciting experience. it's great to be a part of it all!

Ren said...

I was explaining that to my kids one I had to say goodbye to the baby and the toddler in order to be with and love them now.

It's weird in some ways, that it is a death of sorts. Loving a person fully means loving change. It means not being attached to your version of who-they-are today because it's fluid.

I've said goodbye to four babies. I've said goodbye to four toddlers. I've watched my oldest child move out. You don't even realize those "last moments" as they pass so many times because of that fluidity.

But they come. And go. And so it is.

laura said...

yep, i remember having this moment once watching sadie ride her bike and i thought...that person won't always be here. none of them will. that person, in and of that moment, will be gone before i know it and another different but sort of the same person will take their place. and it will happen over and over and over again.

bitter sweet.

kelli said...

awww... I remember this also. So hard for me to put my emotions in check. We just had another mile stone, Kyra is sleeping in her own room now.... that's been a hard one to get used to!

miss you guys!