minorcan, marvelous good fortune, iji and snack champion at port-a-john in asheville, august 20, 2014

only days after camp, still on a camp-high, i went to this awesome house show and added to it a just-saw-one-of-my-favorite-bands-high!!

every band was amazing!! i took a few pix but mostly enjoyed the sounds! my phone died right after the picture with zach so i didn’t get a picture of snack champion.

i got to the house at 8, no one was there. not having a smart phone, i sent a text to scotty so he could check the event page for updates…i started to think maybe it was cancelled. but knowing how very few shows start on time, i stayed calm. i had driven an hour to asheville from johnson city and had been drinking a lot of tea so i would have energy for the long evening ahead. i had to pee! so i left and went to taco bell, used the bathroom and bought a tostada. when i got back, people were setting up. 

this is when i realized something. after spending a lot of time at events that i’ve organized, i often forget how socially awkward i am in unfamiliar situations and around people in general. standing around waiting for the show was a reminder of this. there were people starting to gather while the bands set up. i got real fidgety and walked around and played with the tall grass in the field (i stopped myself from weaving a basket though). some people talked to me, i was so weird. i had so much caffeine and awkward running through my veins and the desire to flee was strong. except i had been looking forward to seeing iji for months!! i really didn’t want to leave, i knew it was just a response to a new environment. and people.

pretty soon the show started and minorcan played a lively and spectacular set, funny and charming and very smiley. i hope to see them again sometime.

marvelous good fortune was up next and they came in with their maroon drapes and an energy and good vibe that was instantly palpable. they played a fantastic set that left me in awe. the take-away from it for me was this spoken line “everything is beautiful and you are not special” and while that may sound positive and negative at the same time. i found it 100% positive and freeing and perfect.

mgf then transformed themselves into iji and started off their set with “to figure out the party” which is such a fitting song for how i feel when seeing my favorite bands (once i get past the uncomfortable). that feeling of being so in the moment but then also not. and wanting to talk to people but not. and being awkward. but happy. i was pretty delirious and just so freaked out to be there and dancing and enjoying every minute…i can only remember a handful of what they played, hammock moments, get along, magic lanes, hard 2 wait…i wanted more but it was time for the final band.

i did work up the nerve to talk to zach after their set a little and get a picture with him. i just wish i could have an actual conversation with a musician i love this much and not be so weird and nervous. anyway…

snack champion was amazing!! their set was short but completely satisfying and i really hope to catch them again too. i was disappointed they didn’t have any music for sale on the merch table, but i figured i would find something online when i got home. i didn’t. still disappointed. 

the evening ended with talking to john, the show host, and waiting for cars behind me to leave, and finally saying goodbye to zach and getting a final hug which was great.

i drove home listening to the mgf tape i had gotten and smiling a lot and replaying the night in my mind. i probably talked out loud to myself a few times too. because i was alone and i was all pumped and i was continuing to drink tea. i got home around 2 am after picking up samuel from a friend’s house on the way. i was on such a music high!! we all talked for awhile then i finally made myself go to bed. i had thought about going to next show of the tour in boone the next night but by morning i knew i was not up for more travel and new places and being awkward.

i hope iji comes back to the east coast again for more great music and dancing, i will totally be there!!!

Share

trust

recently sadie and i were talking about internet and personal safety. it was a good talk, but i was left feeling like i had said something off. not a feeling from her, but from myself. i later figured it out, i had said “i trust you” and i had this nagging feeling that there was more that needed said, and so i wrote her this letter. she gave me permission to share it as a blog post.

i’ve been thinking a lot about what it means when someone says “i trust you” and what it feels like when someone says that to you.
on one hand, it can make you feel like the person saying it thinks you don’t do anything they would consider “wrong” and lead to feelings of guilt if you do anything you think they wouldn’t approve of. on the other, it can make you feel good to be trusted. it’s complicated.

i’ve been thinking it’s a thing to not say maybe. i worry it could be misunderstood. like thinking it’s all about “right” or “wrong.”
i worry that by saying “i trust you” that you will start feeling guilty for anything you’ve ever done that you imagine i wouldn’t like…even if you don’t know for sure if i would or not, just that you don’t know or assume. and that now that i said that you will never be able to talk to me about stuff for fear of my not trusting you anymore…or judging you.

when i say “i trust you” i don’t mean that i think you are perfect and would never do anything “wrong.” it means i trust that you have the ability to follow YOUR OWN sense of right and wrong. not mine. or anyone else’s. a lot of kids think that the only thing parents mean when they talk about trust is sex and drugs and alcohol. and that’s part of it. but it’s not the whole picture. i trust that if you have sex or use drugs or alcohol, you are doing so of your own choice. not from peer pressure. that you are curious about how it will feel. that you are making choices from a place of self-awareness and with people you trust not to hurt you or take advantage of you or who will take care of you if you need it. and that you will call me (or dad or your brothers or someone you really trust) if you ever find yourself in a situation where you need to.

but it goes beyond those typical things. i trust that you know yourself, i trust that you can handle your relationships, that you are kind when you can be and gently unkind when you have to be, and when you have moments of thoughtlessness and hurt someone, that you know how to apologize. and mean it. and learn from it. that you make no space in your life for people who would purposely hurt you. that you will know when you need to ask for help and when you can do something on your own. that you can talk to me about anything and i won’t judge you. that you dance when you feel like it and sleep when you want to and eat what you love and smile at puppies and love your life and move through it with confidence and beauty and open arms…

i hope you will always know that my trust in you is about your self-knowledge and not about actions or normal exploration of this amazing life. and that i love you more than i can ever express.Share

the fence

i'm at an exciting and peaceful place in my life.

i am looking forward, into a journey i am about to take. carefully packing my bags. getting prepared. eagerly but patiently anticipating the changes. and for the first time in my parenting life i'm not mourning the passing of time.

i'm the mom of 3 teens (well one is a young adult). all of them growing up so quickly and finding their own unique form of independence. but i'm still in the process of "raising" them...in whatever capacity i'm needed as it changes so frequently as they grow. over the years i've had more than a few occasions of wanting to stop the clock. to just keep them in that moment for a little longer. and i've wanted to stop that clock for myself as well.

but here i am. in my early forties. ready to move forward. no more stopping. no more regretting what i have or have not done. no more feeling like time is running out. or trying to figure out what the frikkin point is to whatever it is i'm doing. having the clearest vision i've ever had about what i want my life to look like in the next few years. readysetgo!!

but wait...

also for the first time, i'm having a vision that doesn't include being a mom. at least not 100% like i'm used to. and i'm okay with this in a way i never would have been before. when the kids were young, fantasies of a life where i'm solely focused on my desires was more about escape and a serious need for a break (that i wouldn't give myself for years and years to come) than it was a true and proper vision.

now? well, it's at a time when gradually working towards a vision of a future where my kids will more than likely be on their own is a reality. it's about taking my head out of the sands of time-stopping and relishing the possibilities. without guilt. because it's still a few years off and i'm just slowly getting ready. i don't want to wait until i'm standing in an empty house wondering where everyone went and what to do now.

i find myself straddling a fence with a foot planted firmly on either side. on one, i'm doing many things i love while still being available for my family, spending time together and enjoying the now. on the other, i'm putting in the foundation of a life that i want when my kids have their own lives apart from me (a journey they each started some time ago).

some days i feel the pull of one foot or the other trying to jump the fence. the foot in the now wanting to hurry over to the side where things are new and full of different experiences. the foot in the future wanting to sneak back to the safety of what is familiar. in the past i might have looked at either of those times and called them fear, weakness...running away. now i know they are part of the journey. part of learning who i am and what i want. not judging or resisting. continuing to move forward with whatever each day needs. and being okay with myself and my life. embracing what is. and doing so with hopeful (instead of terrified) feelings for the future.Share

me and my girl

tuesday afternoon, sadie and i decided it was time to go get our noses pierced together! so we did! it's something i've wanted to do for over 25 years. i wasn't allowed to when i was a teen and later i just never did, i was busy with school and then i got married and then i had kids and it was just not high on my list of priorities. but i always wanted to. and thought about it on and off over the years. i got a wild hair about a month ago and i started thinking how it would be a fun thing to do with sadie. and when i asked her she was into it. 

we went to Ink Revolution Studios and i nervously filled out the forms. when we went back to the room i was excited but a part of me was like "what. are. you. doing?!" luckily we had a great person doing the piercing, his name is mouse, and he was friendly and patient and answered all my questions about pain. so then it was happening, he had the clamp on my nose and i was breathing in and out and suddenly i said "wait." i was considering not doing it. i got a rush of fear. i have had 3 kids without drugs. i knew i could do this. it wasn't so much about the pain...but about whether or not the pain was worth the thing i wanted. i took a few more breaths and said "ok, go!" and he did it and it hurt. but differently than i thought it would. it was a stinging pain. i hadn't expected that. but then it was over. and when he took off the clamp there was a rush of relief...stupid clamp. and it was done! 

then it was sadie's turn. she was nervous too, she says she doesn't handle pain well. but she did great, didn't hesitate like i did. but it did hurt and she teared up. but when he took that clamp off you could see and hear her relief. 

we talked about aftercare and he told us about all these other kinds of cool piercings and then we were on our way. we were both filled with adrenaline as we sat in the car trying to get a good selfie together and laughing like hyenas. 

it was like we were kinda drunk but also kinda high. you gotta love adrenaline! we went to target to get anti-bacterial soap and i don't know what happened while we were in there but i know we wandered around giggling a lot. we got the soap and then went to Pal's to get fries and cheese sandwiches. yum. we came home and ate and posted pics of our adventure and then watched the movie Waiting for Forever. it was a pretty perfect day!

i'm at this point in my life where i'm realizing THIS IS IT. this is the one life you have. it's crazy to spend so many years wanting to do something and just not do it, especially something you actually CAN do. unlike some other things. i wonder what other longings just got shifted from the "impossible" to the "possible" list in my head...(psst...i've never ever wanted a tattoo, but now i'm sort of thinking about it. something super simple. i already sort of have it designed in my head!...ssshhhh). but i've never been on a plane. which means i've never been to any of the countries i'd love to visit. i've never even been out west. i want to figure out how to do things that i have come to simply accept that i would probably never do. just lots of thinking happening.

anyway...back to me and my girl...

last night we had another girls-night-out. we went to our favorite Korean Taco House for some delish noodles (i also had a yummy veggie taco). afterwards we had a little time to kill so we tried walking around but there wasn't much to do (sadly) and it was cold so we headed over to Blue Moon Dinner Theatre (which normally has plays but recently started doing older movies on wednesday nights) even though the movie didn't start for half an hour. it was really cool because the guy who showed us around was really interesting and told us about the play that's currently going on about 2 couples staying in a cabin and the next one which is about fairy folk and he told us about it in an irish accent. i'm hoping we'll make it to both plays. this was our first time going and it was a real relief. see i make plans in my head to do things at places i've never been to and often i get really nervous and i will end up not going. new places freak me out. but once i go (and have a positive experience) i get a calm and extreme happiness that washes over me. because i know that next time i want to go i will be able to without anxiety (usually).

so we sat and talked for a bit, looked at local magazines, got popcorn and finally it was time for the movie... The Princess Bride. which is the second classic movie i've introduced to sadie this week (the first was Say Anything...)

we went home and sat quietly looking at our devices for a bit and even though it was not even 9 yet i was feeling ready to go to bed. so i read for a little bit before falling asleep. and that is what a good evening looks like for me.

i am really enjoying spending time with sadie as she is growing into a young woman. it's so easy for both of us to just spend time quietly in our own little worlds, both content to just huddle up at home in blankets watching tv shows and movies or doing things online. i don't want to let too much time slip by without also spending time face to face, doing things together that involve a little more reaching. because time goes by too fast these days. and i don't want to miss anything. (did anyone just now hear steve tyler singing...i don't wanna close my eyes, i don't wanna fall asleep cuz i'd miss you baby and i don't wanna miss a thing...sorry.)

Share

continuing to make slow & steady progress…

as i’ve been learning this new art form, i have spent a lot of time thinking…it really is so meditative. i’ve thought about the cliche that weaving is a metaphor for life…and it’s true but more specifically i find it to be a metaphor for parenting (you could insert pretty much any rewarding, difficult and time consuming thing here)…

you put a lot of time into something that you may not see the results of immediately…it could even take years. when you make mistakes, and you will, sometimes you see them right away and dive in to fix them. some you don’t even realize you made until much later when the effort to fix them can be overwhelming and much harder than if you’d realized it sooner. there are small joys only you may notice, but they matter. there is such a huge commitment of time and energy…every little tiny bit is important and so worth it. every small section a part of a larger effort. when you’re new at it you realize it’s a little harder than you expected, but because you love it so much you don’t mind the hard parts and find that those are the times when you learn the most.

Share