choice, that's something i think about an awful lot. especially authentic choice. this post has been in my head for so long i may have forgotten most of what i intended to say. but i thought i'd do it anyway. forgive me if i ramble =)
i put up a clothes line this summer. the first time i've had one since 2002, because that was the last time we were in a house. i've used it all summer and have loved it! but about a month ago, it was just yucky for days and so i decided to use the dryer again. this got me thinking about authentic choice. i was actively choosing in that moment to use the dryer. when we had a line before, we did not have a dryer. there was never a choice. well, there was the original choice of not having a dryer, but each time i used the line it was not a choice in that moment. it was just something i did without really thinking about whether or not i had to. this thinking got me remembering the days when we did not have a television. we were never in each moment choosing to not watch tv. we had no authentic choice. other than the original choice (by scotty and i and not the kids) to not have a tv in the house. another example is having a dishwasher. we've always had one except when we lived in the camper. and we always used it on and off. mostly off. but there was always the choice to use it or not. i recently 'discovered' that my dishwasher actually makes a better dish drainer than dishwasher. i don't know why i never saw that before. i often would want to use the dishwasher when there were tons of dishes to do. mostly because i have a tiny dish drainer and having to stack and use a towel drove me nuts. but loading the dishwasher also drove me nuts. it seemed like all the rinsing and getting the dishes just so was more trouble than it was worth. but then the glorified dish drainer idea came to me. i no longer have the desire to use my dishwasher as a dishwasher ever again. i enjoy doing dishes more now than ever. all because i have tons of space to stack clean, wet dishes. it's about the weirdest thing. but my point here is that i still have a choice. if i wanted to, i could use the dishwasher as a dishwasher. any time i want. i can use the dryer. any time i want. we can watch tv. any time we want. that is authentic choice. without having options, it doesn't seem like the choosing to not use these things is authentic. yes, i still believe that there is authentic choice in the original choosing to not even have these things in the first place. but i also feel very strongly that without the choices, each time i put clothes on the line, wash dishes by hand, or read instead of watching tv, is not authentic choosing in that moment.
i put up a clothes line this summer. the first time i've had one since 2002, because that was the last time we were in a house. i've used it all summer and have loved it! but about a month ago, it was just yucky for days and so i decided to use the dryer again. this got me thinking about authentic choice. i was actively choosing in that moment to use the dryer. when we had a line before, we did not have a dryer. there was never a choice. well, there was the original choice of not having a dryer, but each time i used the line it was not a choice in that moment. it was just something i did without really thinking about whether or not i had to. this thinking got me remembering the days when we did not have a television. we were never in each moment choosing to not watch tv. we had no authentic choice. other than the original choice (by scotty and i and not the kids) to not have a tv in the house. another example is having a dishwasher. we've always had one except when we lived in the camper. and we always used it on and off. mostly off. but there was always the choice to use it or not. i recently 'discovered' that my dishwasher actually makes a better dish drainer than dishwasher. i don't know why i never saw that before. i often would want to use the dishwasher when there were tons of dishes to do. mostly because i have a tiny dish drainer and having to stack and use a towel drove me nuts. but loading the dishwasher also drove me nuts. it seemed like all the rinsing and getting the dishes just so was more trouble than it was worth. but then the glorified dish drainer idea came to me. i no longer have the desire to use my dishwasher as a dishwasher ever again. i enjoy doing dishes more now than ever. all because i have tons of space to stack clean, wet dishes. it's about the weirdest thing. but my point here is that i still have a choice. if i wanted to, i could use the dishwasher as a dishwasher. any time i want. i can use the dryer. any time i want. we can watch tv. any time we want. that is authentic choice. without having options, it doesn't seem like the choosing to not use these things is authentic. yes, i still believe that there is authentic choice in the original choosing to not even have these things in the first place. but i also feel very strongly that without the choices, each time i put clothes on the line, wash dishes by hand, or read instead of watching tv, is not authentic choosing in that moment.
hey, there IS an off button! this took us a long time to choose after not having a tv for a long time (we got our first tv in 2001 and even then it was just a small 'video player' that had a blue screen unless there was a video playing because it didn't have cable or an antennae...LOL)
my glorified dish drainer!! so conveniently right under my tiny dish drainer.
the lovely bouquet of my clothes line!
i've also been thinking about the idea of 'have to' versus 'choose to' in regards to other things as well. like cleaning the bathroom, making my bed, dusting, sweeping, etc. yep, all related to cleaning!!! LOL! i think about it in regards to artwork as well though. i have been rethinking my 'have tos' a lot. if i feel like i have to do something, i no longer have a choice and i'm less likely to want to do it. if i feel like i can choose to not do something, i feel freer to actually choose to do it. and want to do it.
so this leads me to the big thing i've been working on now for almost a year. the authentic choice of food. you might remember when i first started struggling with this one, here. i have come a long long way since then and i know i have years of letting go to do still. i had a momentary set back this summer when my mom had to have major bi-pass surgery. i started feeling all that work unravel. wanted to go back to the old days of controlling all the food. i felt totally neurotic. i wanted to cry and scream. i didn't know what to do. then several really awesome people reminded me...your kids are not your mom. they are not even scotty. that helped so much. i took the time to breathe and think more clearly. i feel like i am more confident in my relationship with food now. and my body. this letting go was not just for my kids. it was for my own healing. i have started to really cook again (after that year or so of being mostly raw, i had stopped cooking a lot of our favorite things). i made chili yesterday for the first time in forever, it was so good. it was especially good because we got to share it with our friends heather, rowan, and dairbhre, who came over after the homeschooling get together. we ate out on the porch at the picnic table. it was really really good, for the taste buds as well as the soul. right now, in the house, we have cereal and soy milk, something i quit buying years ago. we have crackers. we have some granola bars. and twix and kit kat bars in the freezer. we have sour cream and cheese. yogurt. pasta. bread. beans. yeah, that all sounds pretty normal right?? well, it didn't use to be. so when people think that my letting go of all my food control means just buying more junk food. it doesn't. it goes way beyond just that. it means going back to buying completely normal foods again as well. that just goes to show you how neurotic i had become about what was 'healthy.'
in the last 3-5 years we've been moving closer and closer to authentic living as a family. completing this amazing puzzle as we learned more things and pushed those pieces of knowledge and practice into place. so now we have all sorts of authentic choice in our lives. it feels good to finish the puzzle, to push in that one last piece. is it really the last piece though?? i'm not sure, but it feels complete, feels like the picture looks more done than it ever has. but as i've said before, there is always more to learn, more to figure out. and i'm game!Share
