the fence

i'm at an exciting and peaceful place in my life.

i am looking forward, into a journey i am about to take. carefully packing my bags. getting prepared. eagerly but patiently anticipating the changes. and for the first time in my parenting life i'm not mourning the passing of time.

i'm the mom of 3 teens (well one is a young adult). all of them growing up so quickly and finding their own unique form of independence. but i'm still in the process of "raising" them...in whatever capacity i'm needed as it changes so frequently as they grow. over the years i've had more than a few occasions of wanting to stop the clock. to just keep them in that moment for a little longer. and i've wanted to stop that clock for myself as well.

but here i am. in my early forties. ready to move forward. no more stopping. no more regretting what i have or have not done. no more feeling like time is running out. or trying to figure out what the frikkin point is to whatever it is i'm doing. having the clearest vision i've ever had about what i want my life to look like in the next few years. readysetgo!!

but wait...

also for the first time, i'm having a vision that doesn't include being a mom. at least not 100% like i'm used to. and i'm okay with this in a way i never would have been before. when the kids were young, fantasies of a life where i'm solely focused on my desires was more about escape and a serious need for a break (that i wouldn't give myself for years and years to come) than it was a true and proper vision.

now? well, it's at a time when gradually working towards a vision of a future where my kids will more than likely be on their own is a reality. it's about taking my head out of the sands of time-stopping and relishing the possibilities. without guilt. because it's still a few years off and i'm just slowly getting ready. i don't want to wait until i'm standing in an empty house wondering where everyone went and what to do now.

i find myself straddling a fence with a foot planted firmly on either side. on one, i'm doing many things i love while still being available for my family, spending time together and enjoying the now. on the other, i'm putting in the foundation of a life that i want when my kids have their own lives apart from me (a journey they each started some time ago).

some days i feel the pull of one foot or the other trying to jump the fence. the foot in the now wanting to hurry over to the side where things are new and full of different experiences. the foot in the future wanting to sneak back to the safety of what is familiar. in the past i might have looked at either of those times and called them fear, weakness...running away. now i know they are part of the journey. part of learning who i am and what i want. not judging or resisting. continuing to move forward with whatever each day needs. and being okay with myself and my life. embracing what is. and doing so with hopeful (instead of terrified) feelings for the future.Share