Saturday, June 07, 2008

this shadow

yesterday, i had a moment. a moment where i realized something very important. normally, i would say i had an epiphany. but it doesn't feel like that just yet. but maybe it is.

i realized that for as long as i can remember i have been trying to be at peace with myself. with my life. with who i am. with what i do. that i have looked for outside approval to tell me i'm okay. that i'm good enough. needing external validation. i thought i had let go of a lot of that. but no, it's still there.

but i was making myself a salad and it just hit me. i have got to learn to be okay with myself. if i don't i will drive myself crazy. i cannot be what i think other people want me to be. or what other people are. i can only be me. and i need to stop abusing myself for not being "good enough!" i have to rejoice in my own goodness, my own worth, my own way. i have to let go of these measuring sticks i have in my head of other people's lives and stop using them to check that how i live my life is the right way.

i sometimes turn myself inside out trying to make sure that i fit some sort of ideal mold. wife, mother, daughter, friend, human being...all these roles that i try to play out perfectly. especially when i look at myself through other's eyes. i feel like i don't stack up. it's tiring and painful.

i know i have been trying to let go of this for years. i have always felt its presence. this voice inside me that says "you ARE good enough...your life is beautiful, LIVE IT!" i push it down because i don't believe in it. i tell it, "NO, i can do better, be better, be more, do more!!"

i want to listen to that voice. i'm not talking about settling or complacency. i'm talking about embracing my life and true self with joy and honesty and love. to stop racking my knuckles for all my imperfections.

samuel has been watching the show "heroes"...i said i am not going to watch it because i don't want to get caught up. but i was working around the house and listening to it in the background. and got caught up. there was a line from a show we watched yesterday and it was really powerful. i'm not sure how it relates to this post but i wanted to put it in here anyway.

"The Earth is large. Large enough that you think you can hide from anything. From Fate. From God. If only you found a place far enough away. So you run. To the edge of the Earth. Where all is safe again. Quiet, and warm. The solace of salt air. The peace of danger left behind. The luxury of grief. And maybe, for a moment, you believe you have escaped." -MohinderShare


Heather said...

Well La, you're like... crazily awesome. I mean, really. You're funky and bright and fresh and genuine and don't think I haven't sometimes wished I could step inside your shoes! You totally inspire me, as a mother, a friend, and an artist. Rock on, rockin' Lady!

Ren said...

Beautiful, beautiful.
You make me think of that lovely Indigo Girls song that says...

"Well darkness has a hunger thats insatiable
And lightness has a call thats hard to hear"

...and I can so relate.
You should go read the lyrics, it's what you said really:

You are brilliant and amazing. I know you know that, but I hope that little voice that says "NOT" will learn to shut up or at least take a nap.:)

Love you!

CG said...

I know I put a comment on here a couple days ago. grrr!in

laura said...

heather...what can i say, i think of you as pure sunshine and your comments mean a lot to me.

ren...i love the indigo girls song. one that i often will sing way too loud when it's on.

cg...recap!! LOL!! i know, i hate when the internet swallows stuff up. ah well.

thanks guys. what this is for me is just something very hidden. something that no matter what anybody says, it is strong and hard to deal with. i have gotten tired of the magnifying glass i put over my life at times. and that damn measuring stick.

i visited with one of my best friends here in charleston yesterday and it turned my heart into the oversized grinch heart. ya know. she reminds me of who i am and i cannot help but be honest around her. i found myself wanting to pull out the measuring stick i have in my head that goes with her life and i told myself..NO!

see, i have a stick like that for several people in my life and sometimes it can be a good thing...just a gentle reminder of myself. other sticks are not so good, they tell me i'm supposed to be something i'm not. and i get to feeling like i'm just simply not supposed to live anymore. not die. just not live fully.

it is what it is and i'm at a good place to deal with it right now.

this trip is helping an awful lot and i had no idea that it would do that. all things for a reason i guess. to the waterpark today...sun sun sun!!!!

Ren said...

Sounds like lotsa good growth and awareness....part of the journey right?
I'm glad Tracie can be that wonderful person to help you feel better about it. She's got that way about her.:)

Keep on funnin'! Can't wait to see you guys when you get back.