change continued

i didn't have as much time as i would've liked before, so i'm doing a part 2 on change.

the reason i even decided to post about it was because i have been looking really hard at myself. i found it discouraging that a lot of people have said that people just don't change. i knew deep down inside that i had changed. a lot. but i also know that there are a lot of things i still want to change about myself. i have taken some long hard looks inside and i come up split down the middle. there are parts of me i would never ever change. but then there are those other parts. those darker parts. the ones we don't often like to talk about.

here is my list of not so pretty parts:
i can be petty
i am not always kind
i can be selfish
i judge others too harshly
i am way too defensive sometimes
i am uptight

i think the fact that there are words in there like "can be" and "sometimes" and "not always" is telling. i know that i am not these things all the time. and so i guess that would make me what? normal? is everyone like that?

anyway, thinking like this is what kept me up late at night and i just wanted to put the words out there. have a conversation. and that is exactly what happened. and it opened my eyes in a few different ways. a few thought provoking comments and emails later and i'm able to better define my struggle. at least in my head. putting words here, well...that's another story.

so i'm working on these little pieces of my personality. i think it will at least help me to chill out a little bit. i do think people can and do change all sorts of things about themselves if they choose to do so. but i'm still left wondering about the personality part. is that possible? can we do anything about our core personalities? or are we stuck with ourselves, as is, no refunds or exchanges?Share

the changling

"people don't change" my dad said to me a few months back. people are who they are, what they are, for better or worse, forever and ever amen. this is something i had not ever given much thought to. i have always assumed that people do change, are at least capable of change, if they really want to change. and that even if they don't try to change that at least they do anyway whether they want to or not because of growing older, wiser, becoming more experienced. but maybe those aren't the changes i'm really talking about.

i am all about change. i don't know how to not change. for as long as i can remember, i've changed my appearance to fit my moods. i've changed ideas and my point of view when i learn something new or different that makes more sense than my previously held view. some might call that simply "wishy-washy"...okay, if you like, i don't mind. but i've just always been open to change. never completely closing my mind to anything. i'll listen and learn, always.

one of the things that has been hardest for me to let go of in the last few years is my need to control things. my need to try to change people for their own good. oh my gosh, that just makes me laugh now to say it out loud (type it out loud??). that just isn't my job is it?

still, sometimes, i just want to shake people and say "open your eyes! stop doing stupid harmful things!" but since i can't do that, i turn that energy on myself.

i have found that sometimes, even when people ask for "advice" on how to change a particular thing that they really aren't looking for help. they are just needing an audience. i rarely give advice (and when i do, it is because someone has asked, which isn't often) and i rarely ask for it myself. i just can't think of anything that i really need help with that i can't somehow figure out if i really put some thought into it. every now and then i will think i need help with something. maybe blog about it or write on one of my email groups. but in the end, i know i'm not in need of any real help, i'm just interested in an audience or at least an interesting conversation. i sometimes think of seeking advice as the same thing as seeking attention. i mean, how often does anyone follow the advice they've sought out. so it only makes sense that they just wanted an audience, someone to commiserate with.

i like to read books about things i want to be better at. so maybe that's a form of seeking advice. some things i read i find useful and use that information to make changes in my life for the better. other things i read i find to be irrelevant to my life so i discard them. this is true especially with parenting books. i take what works and leave all the rest out. this is how most of my changes have come about. through learning new things, new ideas. i know for certain that i have changed for the better because of this learning.

i think what my dad was talking about though was personalities. can those be changed? i wonder. i think maybe they can, if you really learn to look at yourself honestly. if there is something that you don't like about your personality, can you change it?

well, time's up for today. i don't know if this is where i intended to end this. but it's all i have time for.Share

good sign

i saw a great road sign the other day. one of those yellow caution diamond ones.

it said:
grade restricts view.

hmm.Share

argh, the time flies

well, the clock says i have 17 minutes left here. i'm at the library and just done with reading and responding to email and reading some of my favorite blogs. so i thought i'd put in a little time here real quick.

what's up lately? not a lot really. but then, that is not true i don't think. the kids have been doing a lot of playing outside...which always surprises me when anyone wants to go out in the cold. but it really hasn't been that bad, they go out in t-shirts and flip-flops. oh my. they've also been doing a lot of cooking and baking with me. i'm proud to say i've let go of most control-freak moments about them using the stove and knives. i've also been open about food choices. i still have moments where i tell them i would like to see them eat something at least once a day that is a fruit or vegetable. and i have to pull back a little and try not to put so much negative judgment on their choices.

we went to sofh last week and that was a really good time. i got to meet carrie and jamie. they are really nice, we stayed and talked when everyone else left, we didn't leave until about 3:30. i think i might have talked more than i had to anyone all week. sorry for that carrie, i hope your ears recover. i am not usually such a chatterbox. the kids loved seeing so many little babies and again asked if we couldn't just please have one more. we met audrey and her wee ones. she asked if silas was for hire. that made me laugh, he is so so good with babies. so is samuel. my nurturing little men. oh, how i can't wait to see them as fathers. no, wait. i CAN wait for that. somebody stop the clock already. samuel will be 13 in a few short months. where did my baby boy go??

ah, so much more and so little time. well, there is always another day to tell our stories.Share