trust

recently sadie and i were talking about internet and personal safety. it was a good talk, but i was left feeling like i had said something off. not a feeling from her, but from myself. i later figured it out, i had said “i trust you” and i had this nagging feeling that there was more that needed said, and so i wrote her this letter. she gave me permission to share it as a blog post.

i’ve been thinking a lot about what it means when someone says “i trust you” and what it feels like when someone says that to you.
on one hand, it can make you feel like the person saying it thinks you don’t do anything they would consider “wrong” and lead to feelings of guilt if you do anything you think they wouldn’t approve of. on the other, it can make you feel good to be trusted. it’s complicated.

i’ve been thinking it’s a thing to not say maybe. i worry it could be misunderstood. like thinking it’s all about “right” or “wrong.”
i worry that by saying “i trust you” that you will start feeling guilty for anything you’ve ever done that you imagine i wouldn’t like…even if you don’t know for sure if i would or not, just that you don’t know or assume. and that now that i said that you will never be able to talk to me about stuff for fear of my not trusting you anymore…or judging you.

when i say “i trust you” i don’t mean that i think you are perfect and would never do anything “wrong.” it means i trust that you have the ability to follow YOUR OWN sense of right and wrong. not mine. or anyone else’s. a lot of kids think that the only thing parents mean when they talk about trust is sex and drugs and alcohol. and that’s part of it. but it’s not the whole picture. i trust that if you have sex or use drugs or alcohol, you are doing so of your own choice. not from peer pressure. that you are curious about how it will feel. that you are making choices from a place of self-awareness and with people you trust not to hurt you or take advantage of you or who will take care of you if you need it. and that you will call me (or dad or your brothers or someone you really trust) if you ever find yourself in a situation where you need to.

but it goes beyond those typical things. i trust that you know yourself, i trust that you can handle your relationships, that you are kind when you can be and gently unkind when you have to be, and when you have moments of thoughtlessness and hurt someone, that you know how to apologize. and mean it. and learn from it. that you make no space in your life for people who would purposely hurt you. that you will know when you need to ask for help and when you can do something on your own. that you can talk to me about anything and i won’t judge you. that you dance when you feel like it and sleep when you want to and eat what you love and smile at puppies and love your life and move through it with confidence and beauty and open arms…

i hope you will always know that my trust in you is about your self-knowledge and not about actions or normal exploration of this amazing life. and that i love you more than i can ever express.Share

the fence

i'm at an exciting and peaceful place in my life.

i am looking forward, into a journey i am about to take. carefully packing my bags. getting prepared. eagerly but patiently anticipating the changes. and for the first time in my parenting life i'm not mourning the passing of time.

i'm the mom of 3 teens (well one is a young adult). all of them growing up so quickly and finding their own unique form of independence. but i'm still in the process of "raising" them...in whatever capacity i'm needed as it changes so frequently as they grow. over the years i've had more than a few occasions of wanting to stop the clock. to just keep them in that moment for a little longer. and i've wanted to stop that clock for myself as well.

but here i am. in my early forties. ready to move forward. no more stopping. no more regretting what i have or have not done. no more feeling like time is running out. or trying to figure out what the frikkin point is to whatever it is i'm doing. having the clearest vision i've ever had about what i want my life to look like in the next few years. readysetgo!!

but wait...

also for the first time, i'm having a vision that doesn't include being a mom. at least not 100% like i'm used to. and i'm okay with this in a way i never would have been before. when the kids were young, fantasies of a life where i'm solely focused on my desires was more about escape and a serious need for a break (that i wouldn't give myself for years and years to come) than it was a true and proper vision.

now? well, it's at a time when gradually working towards a vision of a future where my kids will more than likely be on their own is a reality. it's about taking my head out of the sands of time-stopping and relishing the possibilities. without guilt. because it's still a few years off and i'm just slowly getting ready. i don't want to wait until i'm standing in an empty house wondering where everyone went and what to do now.

i find myself straddling a fence with a foot planted firmly on either side. on one, i'm doing many things i love while still being available for my family, spending time together and enjoying the now. on the other, i'm putting in the foundation of a life that i want when my kids have their own lives apart from me (a journey they each started some time ago).

some days i feel the pull of one foot or the other trying to jump the fence. the foot in the now wanting to hurry over to the side where things are new and full of different experiences. the foot in the future wanting to sneak back to the safety of what is familiar. in the past i might have looked at either of those times and called them fear, weakness...running away. now i know they are part of the journey. part of learning who i am and what i want. not judging or resisting. continuing to move forward with whatever each day needs. and being okay with myself and my life. embracing what is. and doing so with hopeful (instead of terrified) feelings for the future.Share

continuing to make slow & steady progress…

as i’ve been learning this new art form, i have spent a lot of time thinking…it really is so meditative. i’ve thought about the cliche that weaving is a metaphor for life…and it’s true but more specifically i find it to be a metaphor for parenting (you could insert pretty much any rewarding, difficult and time consuming thing here)…

you put a lot of time into something that you may not see the results of immediately…it could even take years. when you make mistakes, and you will, sometimes you see them right away and dive in to fix them. some you don’t even realize you made until much later when the effort to fix them can be overwhelming and much harder than if you’d realized it sooner. there are small joys only you may notice, but they matter. there is such a huge commitment of time and energy…every little tiny bit is important and so worth it. every small section a part of a larger effort. when you’re new at it you realize it’s a little harder than you expected, but because you love it so much you don’t mind the hard parts and find that those are the times when you learn the most.

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what do you want to be when you grow up?

i love how conversations amble along…you start in one place and end up down the street in a completely different neighborhood. yesterday, silas and i had a conversation like that. we were in the car on the way home from the orthodontist and somehow we started talking about moving, i think because scotty is finishing school this year and there was some brief discussion the night before about “what if we had to move away if he got a job somewhere else, etc.” he asked why people always want to move to new york (i had mentioned something about how when i was young i thought i would move to new york and be a fashion designer…you can stop laughing now!). so i told him how a lot of specific culture (entertainment, culinary, etc.) is concentrated in particular areas and if what you love and want to pursue is in one of these places you are likely going to want to go there. like hollywood and new york, they have opportunities that are different than other places. maybe. it really depends on a lot of variables. he asked where you would move if you wanted to study bugs, specifically preying mantises. i said it would depend on if you wanted to study on your own or go to school. in the former you would probably get loads of books and go to a place that had a particularly high concentration of preying mantises, maybe find a mentor to work with/for. in the latter you would want to find a school that had resources and curriculum that appealed to you and maybe that had a very specific and specialized focus on what you wanted to learn. oh i also said at the beginning of the conversation “if you wanted to be an epidemiologist…” and we both were like, wait no that’s not right, that’s skin…and then simultaneously we said “entomologist!!”  so there’s that. he said he read that you don’t even get considered for a job as an entomologist unless you have a master’s degree.

then i asked him if he ever thought about these kinds of things, like if he wanted to study something specific one day or even go to school for something. he said he thought about studying bugs (that’s when i said, oh that’s why you knew that about the master’s degree! and he said yeah…). but he said he might just study them as a hobby. and i proceeded to tell him the image that studying bugs as a hobby brought to my mind (it had to do with buggy ickiness and basements and possibly baldness…don’t tell anyone i said that!). and he thought it was horrible and said he didn’t want to be bald OR have a basement…ever. and that he would never even live in a house with a basement. if a house had a basement he would say no thanks. also attics. no attics. no places in a house where you don’t go very often and are dark. and i said you could tell the realtor you would take the house but they had to fill in the basement with cement. and he said no it would just still BE THERE. okaaaay, moving right along…i asked what about garages and he said garages were okay. (i did not say anything about how bugs are mostly in dark places where people don’t go very often).

i think about this stuff a lot…my kids’ interests, their passions. and the question kids get a lot…what do you want to be when you grow up??  i don’t ask that one often. i am really so much more interested in what makes them excited right now. i don’t always ask that one either, but i am always paying attention for signs of it. i think asking “what do you want to be/do?” is often a stumbling block. i’ve seen eyes go blank and sometimes even fear and then shrugs. but ask a kid what they are excited about RIGHT NOW…that gets way more enthusiastic responses. they know the answer to that one. the other is just too far away for some kids to even contemplate. and why should they? there are far more important things they can be thinking about and spending their time doing. right now, the possibilities, discoveries and wonders are endless.

i believe that if kids are let alone enough to explore and supported enough to further their interests that they will come to ask themselves that deeply profound set of questions: “what do i want to do…what do i love doing…what will i become…who will i become…who am i right now??” and that is a far greater thing than any other, to be able to ask yourself these questions and have the space in which to find your very own answers.Share

my teen partners

i made a joke earlier today that watching any series on netflix was a full-time job. and it’s true. but it got me thinking about the many different “jobs” i have had over the years under the single title of “mom.”

this year all three of the kids are turning milestone ages: 13, 16, and 18. my mind has been on this a lot lately. i’m reminded of when they were all 5 and under and people would ask what it was like to have 3 young children. i would often describe it as having 3 very different jobs with 3 different bosses. each child having unique needs and how you have to learn how to meet each of those needs, that you cannot parent all children the same. even how you show love to each child can be different depending on the child’s personality, emotional needs and receptive ability. 

it took me a few years to realize that while that may have been how i described it, it wasn’t necessarily how i experienced it. i found better words for it as the kids got older. i found that i didn’t really see my children as bosses but as partners. i knew early on that i was seeing the world through each of their individual lenses and experiencing right along with them and facilitating when needed. but that depth was always hard for me to describe to people.

now that they are all in their teens (well almost, sadie being still 12…but really she has been a teen since she was 3) i still feel like we have a beautiful partnership and i continue to experience new things through them.

i remember people warning me that i would have 3 teenagers one day (gasp!) and that i told them right away how much i looked forward to that day. it is here and it is awesome…actually even better than i thought it might be. i was right, but i still had no idea.

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to be a mother

this weekend was my mom's birthday.  40 years ago she was getting ready to have another baby, me, her 3rd.  she was 21.  she would have one more baby by the time she was 26.  all girls.

we went over to visit, just me and the kids.  my mom was home alone, it was the day after her birthday and she was tired from the trip out of town they had taken. everyone else had gone to my little sister's house to watch the football game.  so we sat and talked for a few hours.  the kids listening and commenting sometimes.  but mostly listening.  we talked about some of the things going on with the family.  the dysfunction of it all.  the usual.

she was telling me how she is learning mindfulness.  which led to talking about parenting and she said that when she was growing up she thought how things were in her family were normal. and when she had kids, she just did what she thought was normal, even though she did try to be less abusive than her father.  by the time she realized that abuse wasn't normal, that there were these other families that had happy, healthy relationships, she already had 3 kids and didn't really know how to change anything.  there weren't all the books and support and punitive parenting was still more prevalent than it is now.  she talked about what a family should be like and wishing that she had been able to change back then.  she told me that she and my oldest sister were talking and they felt like my family (me, scotty, the kids) were what they thought a perfect family should be.  this brought on such a rush of emotion for me.  i have always felt resentment from my family, for my choices in parenting and life in general.  they have given the impression, and even sometimes said the words, that they felt like i thought i was better than them.  i realized years later that it was their resentment, their feelings of being judged simply by my choice to do differently that put a wall between us.

we're dysfunctional.  we know how to get together and pretend like things are normal.  this is how it's always been done.  in the past few years though, i've been feeling an unraveling of that pretense.  that we are becoming more willing to talk about the past.  i think this is helping us finally heal.  she is learning to be a good parent to the grandkids they are raising/helping to raise, she is also letting my dad do more of the parenting this time around.  i admire that and i'm jealous of that at the same time. but supportive like crazy of it!!

we talked about what i've had to do for the last 15 years to become the parent i knew i could be, the work of undoing all the learned, knee-jerk behaviors and parenting.  how hard that has been.  there was a time when i didn't think i would be able to say those things to her.  i feel confident now more than ever that she understands and we aren't shushing the past anymore.

this is what it takes to be a mother.  it takes more than love. there has to be some kind of intention, some idea of what kind of mother you want to be and then get to work doing that.

for years i doubted that my mother loved us, more specifically whether she loved me or not.  i know now that if love were enough to be a good mom, she would've been a better one.  she did and does love us, very much.  i know this now.  and it is healing to no end.Share

parenting journeys

my friend, cheryl, wrote a really nice post on her blog...it felt really familiar. i commented on it and realized that my comment might make a good post since i've not been doing much at the posting helm lately. here is my comment to her post:

"isn't it amazing how quickly things can change...from peaceful to chaos in just seconds? BUT, it's also amazing how much of an impression our general attitude and demeanor have on our children in those situations. they pick up on our peaceful energy as well as the chaotic and follow suit.

and it IS super different to know something, to believe in a way of being and the actual practice part. i've been unschooling for years & years, but only in the last couple have i been able to even begin to let go of my need to control everything and really implement my beliefs in a way that my heart has been trying to make sense of and knows is the right path for us.

i have also been in that position of speaking with an onlooker who thinks we are just so wonderful as a family...and i have to let them know we actually ARE human and that not all moments are so wonderful. but that mostly, if i let them be, yes...they really are or could be. and that always goes back to me and my attitude, my false expectations or ideals vs. my faith in their inherent goodness and wonder.

it's something awesome to navigate these waters of our lives as parents. wonderful and treacherous at the same time. to learn more everyday and be our best selves. i don't know who i would be without the gift of having had children and how it has changed me in ways i never would have thought possible."

we spent the weekend with some fellow unschoolers in columbia for the 3rd time in so many months and as usual, it was a learning experience for me. i always come away with some new insight. it is why i make such an effort now to surround myself as often as possible with other unschoolers. i think that no matter how long i am on this journey i will always feel that i am just beginning. not in a "going in circles" sort of way, but in a "wow, i can do better" way. i've been going to sandra dodd's food chats the last 2 weeks and they have been really helpful. i feel that i get it, always have. but the practice part is an internal struggle that i am getting better and better at dealing with and keeping from being external (i.e. dumping my worries and hesitations and control all over my kids and husband...it's MY thing, not THEIRS!!). in yesterday's chat when i asked for some mantra to keep me from my knee-jerk reactions, sandra shared the insights of diana jenner and it went something like this: if your child died tomorrow, would any of this matter? slammed me up against a wall. and cleared up my vision real well...new glasses-like!! thank you both for that!!

i will never know what is up ahead for me and my family, all i know is that the journey part has been amazing and i can't imagine my life any other way!Share