the fence

i'm at an exciting and peaceful place in my life.

i am looking forward, into a journey i am about to take. carefully packing my bags. getting prepared. eagerly but patiently anticipating the changes. and for the first time in my parenting life i'm not mourning the passing of time.

i'm the mom of 3 teens (well one is a young adult). all of them growing up so quickly and finding their own unique form of independence. but i'm still in the process of "raising" them...in whatever capacity i'm needed as it changes so frequently as they grow. over the years i've had more than a few occasions of wanting to stop the clock. to just keep them in that moment for a little longer. and i've wanted to stop that clock for myself as well.

but here i am. in my early forties. ready to move forward. no more stopping. no more regretting what i have or have not done. no more feeling like time is running out. or trying to figure out what the frikkin point is to whatever it is i'm doing. having the clearest vision i've ever had about what i want my life to look like in the next few years. readysetgo!!

but wait...

also for the first time, i'm having a vision that doesn't include being a mom. at least not 100% like i'm used to. and i'm okay with this in a way i never would have been before. when the kids were young, fantasies of a life where i'm solely focused on my desires was more about escape and a serious need for a break (that i wouldn't give myself for years and years to come) than it was a true and proper vision.

now? well, it's at a time when gradually working towards a vision of a future where my kids will more than likely be on their own is a reality. it's about taking my head out of the sands of time-stopping and relishing the possibilities. without guilt. because it's still a few years off and i'm just slowly getting ready. i don't want to wait until i'm standing in an empty house wondering where everyone went and what to do now.

i find myself straddling a fence with a foot planted firmly on either side. on one, i'm doing many things i love while still being available for my family, spending time together and enjoying the now. on the other, i'm putting in the foundation of a life that i want when my kids have their own lives apart from me (a journey they each started some time ago).

some days i feel the pull of one foot or the other trying to jump the fence. the foot in the now wanting to hurry over to the side where things are new and full of different experiences. the foot in the future wanting to sneak back to the safety of what is familiar. in the past i might have looked at either of those times and called them fear, weakness...running away. now i know they are part of the journey. part of learning who i am and what i want. not judging or resisting. continuing to move forward with whatever each day needs. and being okay with myself and my life. embracing what is. and doing so with hopeful (instead of terrified) feelings for the future.Share

what a difference a year can make

last year, samuel started recording music in his bedroom. he was frustrated with not being able to find anyone to start a band with and decided to just do it all himself. he got a 4 track app for his phone and went to work at it. he played all the instruments and did the vocals and mixing. he won’t let anyone listen to those early recordings but they were an important part of the process. then he saved up for an actual 8 track recorder and started making his first demo, again by himself, which he put up on bandcamp under the name that sadie gave him for his “band”…deathly the dog.

he continued to make more recordings and eventually did an acoustic open mic show with only a guitar. it went pretty well but he was itching to play electric with a full band. shortly after that silas started showing an interest in drumming for him (there was absolutely no bribery involved *cough cough*). pretty soon they were playing their first open mic together as a band. having silas on the drums was exactly what samuel needed to make his dream of having a band come true AND the confidence to get out in front of people and not be nervous. he said that he didn’t think he could do it without him now. silas grew to really love doing it and is a phenomenal drummer.

they started playing open mic nights regularly at the same coffeehouse to very receptive crowds who grabbed up all their CDs and talked to them after their sets. when they finally decided to play another venue, the place was empty by the time they went on and it was a bit disheartening but it was a good learning experience. PLUS, it was the night they met another local teen band called war penguin (liam, joe, and emma). and they’ve all been playing together regularly ever since. samuel now plays drums and banjo for WP and liam has become the bass player for DtD.

a few weeks ago, samuel, silas and liam headed to a real studio to lay down tracks for their first professionally recorded demo. i was so impressed with their performance and competence, they knew what to do and got 5 songs down in under 5 hours. last night samuel went back to do the vocal tracks (they had just done scratch tracks on the first day). he gave samuel a couple “mini mastered” cds to take home and make some notes of anything they wanted to change before doing the final master.

today, we put it on the bose and cranked it up. we talked about the early versions and how different these are. these new recordings sound amazing even in their work-in-progress state. when i took samuel to work we played it in the car and even with my slowly dying speakers it still sounded fantastic. 

i’m really excited about this demo. it shows how much they have learned individually and as a group in the last few months alone. how playing live shows has made their performance stronger and tighter. i’m blown away by the talent of these young people and i agree with what my friend who recorded them said “i can’t wait to see what they do next.”

photos taken by ren allen at the down home on march 6, 2013

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