I had a thought today. I guess it’s something that has slowly been dawning. I thought “I can do anything I want!” And not in a take-on-the-world kind of way, just like I can sit all day and read or paint or do nothing at all if I want to. I’ve never felt that way before. I guess growing up (the way most people did) with going to school, church, and whatever else, I didn’t have much time (or choice) to do just what I wanted. This is a big part of why I unschool. I want them to have that feeling of freedom to choose what they want to do every day. But I didn’t know that it would eventually mean that I would get to have that choice too.
With three kids, there really is no such thing as literally doing nothing all day if I wanted to. But in those in between moments, if I want, I can choose to do nothing. Sure, doing nothing (or something if I so desire) gets interrupted a lot. But lately, not so much as it used to. I’m left feeling like I’m supposed to be doing something and I don’t know what it is. Maybe because it’s been almost a year (well in December it will be) since I had a child still nursing. Maybe because no one needs constant attention. The kids can play on their own for what seems like hours. What do I do now?? After ten years of being home with kids, I feel like I’m suddenly on vacation.
I went through a few days of feeling useless and depressed until I was able to figure out that it was because of all this free time I suddenly seemed to have. Granted that free time is in snatches here and there, but still it is something I haven’t had before. There was a time when I was so overwhelmed with three small children that I would’ve traded places with Scotty and went to work in a heart beat. But now, no way! I feel like I’ve finally reached the summit. All that hard work has finally paid off and this is my reward. The reward of getting to know “me” again, of finding out what I want to do with myself. I never took the time to do that before having kids, I thought I had all the time in the world to figure stuff out. Funny, the perspective you gain when your choices are limited. Funny, how suddenly having so many choices can be kind of overwhelming instead of liberating. Still, I’m learning to grasp the tiny bit of liberation that I sometimes get a glimpse of. And I try to take a deep breathe when the feeling of “what do I do now” tries to overwhelm me.
Yesterday, I took my paintings to an artist who has a small gallery. I went with a stomachache, trying hard not to think the worst. What I needed was input, feedback, constructive criticism from another artist. I didn’t know how his gallery worked or if he would even want to put my paintings in it. Turns out he simply allows artists whose work he likes to rent wall space in his gallery, no complicated commissions or anything like that. Looking around at the crowded room, I knew he didn’t have any space left and he told me he was looking for a bigger space. He liked my work, said it was definitely salable, said he was surprised that I hadn’t “done anything” before now. And when I told him that I often didn’t really think of myself as an artist, he quickly interrupted and said “oh you’re definitely an artist!” I have always been told that my work is salable. Even in school when working on an idea for the first time, I have been told it came across as a complete concept, show worthy, etc. I have been told my work has a decorative quality. I guess that makes it accessible. I like color and good design. But I’m getting away from my point, if even I had one. After talking for about 45 minutes (while the kids were so good and quiet and patient…and it was hot in that studio too!) he took my name and number, said he would call me as soon as he had some space, said his wife would be interested in some of my work (I laughed and said “tell her to give me a call!”), and then helped me load the stuff back in the van. I drove away feeling really good. Wow, what if it had gone the other way. What if he would’ve said all the things that I had feared like “stick to arts and crafts” or “it’s amateurish, kindergarten stuff.”? Would I still feel like doing my work? Does getting good feedback from one person mean anything either?
So here’s where I’m at: Now what? What now? I feel somehow obligated to myself to keep going forward with this now and that’s kind of scary. Whereas before I could’ve easily talked myself into the belief that I wasn’t an artist and should just give it up and quit fooling myself. Sometimes quitting sounds so much easier. Even when I’m coasting along and feeling like the work I’m doing is coming so easily that it must not really be art, it is still hard.
And now, armed with this new realization that I can do anything I want, anything at all, I know that one of the things I could do might actually be worth doing (I had previously convinced myself that it didn’t have much value in that larger-scheme-of-things way of thinking that can really kill the artistic drive instantly…although not painlessly). So here I am with this freedom. I don’t have an excuse anymore.
Update!
October 3, 2005
Well…last week, I got a call from the “gallery guy!” He said he had an open space and wanted to call me first and offer it to me. I had to call him back because I wasn’t sure that I could commit to renting a space right now. After I got off the phone I was so excited that I called Scotty who had just left so he was still in the car on his way to work. I told him that I knew we couldn’t afford it but it was nice to be asked and that I just wanted to share my excitement. Then, I called my mom because I still had excitement to share. She offered to pay half the gallery rent!! I almost refused, saying that I’m an adult and shouldn’t need help from my parents. She said she wanted to help me take advantage of a good opportunity. She helped me gain perspective by reminding me that they were unable to pay for my college (which left me with student loans that I’m still paying) and that this might make up for that. Not that I think they owe me anything at all for that, I chose to take those extra loans because it made my life easier for the moment (I hadn’t learned about thinking ahead back then). Still, she convinced me it was something she wanted to do. So, I graciously accepted the help and called the gallery guy back to let him know I’d take the space.
Since then I’ve been on a constant rollercoaster of self-doubt. I think of all the times I’ve told the kids they couldn’t get this or that because we couldn’t afford it and I keep asking myself if it’s fair to spend this extra money. Even with my parents’ help, can we really afford it? I’ve tried to convince myself that I can’t afford not to. I don’t think I’ve done that yet. I worry that I will stop having ideas (even though since last week I completed a new triptych). I think that no one will buy anything and wonder how long I will be able to keep up the rent if I’m not selling anything. I’m trying not to feel guilty because I told Scotty we would probably have to not go out to eat for awhile, something we both enjoy doing.
I’ll be going Wednesday to hang my paintings and I struggle to not call the guy up and tell him I can’t do it after all. See, I have this little tendency to walk away from things that give me that sick feeling in my stomach. I have to work up a lot of energy even to do the simplest things. How do I do this thing? Why am I so scared? I can’t even begin to list all the things I’ve wanted to do that I just didn’t because I got so nervous. I don’t want to spend my whole life doing that. I want my kids to see me doing something I really love doing. That is probably the biggest reason why I’ve not let my self run away from this.
So here’s my plan: Just take a deep breath and jump in!! Don’t worry so much about the money!! Don’t worry about whether or not I’m really an artist!! Enjoy myself!!
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